Well, that escalated quickly...

So the last week has been a bit lazy, considering I have been traveling 2-3 days a week for the past year...but I have been able to do so many little projects around the house!! Curtains are up! Carpets have been vacuumed! New rugs and door mats have been laid out (so many pine needles from outside coming in!!!)! Hooks have been hung in various places! Snow is melting all over and there is water seeping into the basement, but the property's handyman is supposed to come tomorrow and "evaluate" the 70 year old foundation...I may just have to get a blower and keep it running 24/7 until we get past Spring...and there is mold, so...

But, Sunday was a good day. The lesson in RS was about having hope...it could be applied to many things, but basically hope in Christ, hope in the plan of salvation, hope in living like Christ. My first thought was the kind of hope Daryl had after his diagnosis of beating cancer and watching the children grow older, and how I had to pretend to have hope as well but I knew too much. I didn't want him to know what I knew, of course, but my view was clouded because of my understanding of both his type of cancer and his treatment options. Of course I didn't know exactly how long he had before the cancer would overtake him, but I knew it wasn't too many years.

I wanted to share that experience in RS that day...but I didn't. I worry that people will be annoyed if I share too many of those lessons I learned while my husband suffered and tried to stay strong; l worry that they will think, "Oh good heavens, haven't you talked enough about your dead husband already? It's been almost 4 years, for crying out loud." Maybe not. Either way, those lessons were for me, I guess...but a part of me feels like if I can share what I experienced, maybe it will touch someone else who didn't have to go through that? Other wise, what was it all for?? For me to just shell it all up in a nice book, never to read or touch again because it's too painful? Who wants to hear these stories? Who wants to read these lessons? They are good memories for me, but it feels like there should be more to it! For the girls to read when they are older? Maybe...probably...(long pause...)

Oh, wow. Am I supposed to write a book??? (super...long...pause...while I stare at my computer screen...)

I could do it like journal or blog entries... can I remember back that far? I have my journals, and my blog archives, and the rest just fill in as I go...

Holy crap, this is terrifying...who would buy a book by me?  Maybe I won't sell it; maybe it's just for us. But, what do I have to tell that hasn't already been told?? That life goes on after cancer? Lots of people talk about that...that life can go on after being left behind?? So many people, with actual facebook and twitter followers, are showing that (and some are making a ton of money off it!!). What is my motivation? Getting all of these memories out of my head and into a permanant place?? Giving them a purpose? A purpose...that all of that suffering (and forever pain, even if it's small) will have a purpose...​

I have absolutely no idea...but it HAS to come out. They WANT to come out; they are TRYING to come out, but there is no place for them...

Well, I have 2-3 months before I actually start working...I've got nothing but time...

OMG I just talked myself into writing a freaking book...

Music

I've typed enough for school tonight, but I feel like I need to keep typing something. It's been a while...too long.

I'm listening to a song on repeat right now, and it's come up quite frequently on my playlist lately, bringing back so many memories, I guess I need to write it down...When this song came out, Daryl was in the ICU, in a coma, intubated, and the doctors were trying to figure out a new tumor and if it was pressing on his spinal cord or pharynx. ​He was in a drug-induced coma for over a week. All I could do was sit by his bed. I started crocheting a baby blanket to pass the time...and listening to music. This song, "I won't give up," (Jason Mraz), one of the only songs I like by this artist, helped me find strength and understanding even I didn't know I had. This song made me change my attitude about Daryl and his cancer. I spent so much time trying to not be resentful toward him; it was taking a toll on our relationship, and I knew it, but I had a hard time getting past it. But that week in the ICU, being literally totally alone, just me watching him sleep...how could I be angry and resentful toward him...just a big teddy bear? Yes, he could be difficult and stubborn, but I was proving to be the same. More often than not, he just wanted to hug me, and I'm not proud to say more than a few times, I pushed him away, trying to deal with my own issues...alone instead of together. 

But that week, listening to this song (among others), something changed...I saw him as someone just trying to fight...fight for himself, fighting for us, fighting for everyone telling him what an inspiration he was to them...I started wanting to fight for us, for our relationship. I was tired of all the fighting, all the nights alone, all the heated words for nothing. That was March 2012, while in the ICU the doctors found a brain tumor. We had 15 months of a relationship that I never knew existed, unconditional love and service...for both of us. We had that in the beginning, then life happened and we lost it in the negativity and selfishness of being stressed beyond belief. But I will always remember the answer to a prayer in a beeping ICU room, and the inspiration I was able to feel. I'm so grateful I had those last 15 months and still sad they passed so quickly. 

Hug someone today...and don't give up.

That wasn't as long as I thought...

Hmm, I really thought it was more like a year since I last posted...I guess after seven months I should have more to talk about than cancer, huh? Oddly enough, though, after that post, everything kind of just went down hill and didn't stop...
Long story or short story?
Short. The long one is too long now. I'll try to catch up somehow, or maybe not. Some things just need to be left in the past. There is almost too much I want to say, I don't know how to do it now.
Let's talk about changes!! That's an easier category to tackle. In February, I was finally able to change my work schedule so that I am working at night on the weekends (three 12-hour shifts). That means...I get to be home ALL WEEK!! You guys, you have NO IDEA how much this one change alone has improved my entire life! Shortly after I started doing that, I enrolled E into an online charter school and have been working with her at home. She still misses seeing her friends, but I think being able to play outside any time of day is working it's magic on her. She will dilligently work on her school work so she and L can go play at the park across the street or so we can go play at Nannie's. I have enjoyed so much having her home that I enrolled L in the school for kindergarten as well. There are lots of kids they play with in the neighborhood, so I don't worry about them making friends. But I really love the flexability we all have with their school schedule!
Also, there have been changes in our families. D lost his grandmother due to pneumonia, then I lost a cousin of mine in an auto accident. Both my sister and sis-in-law had miscarages last November. That was rough. The sis-in-law was able to get preggo agian, though, and she's due in a few weeks!
D had to have another surgery in March to remove another tumor. He started radiation therapy last week and is already feeling the tired effects of this treatment. Within the last week, though, we decided to start working with a Naturepath. Seriously, though, 5 surgeries, 2 rounds of chemo, now 2 rounds of radiation and a possible 6 surgery pending with the loss of hearing in one ear, what harm can some herbs and oils do? Might as well try it, cuz the Western medicine isn't doing such a great job :) I'm interested!
But, right now, I am looking so forward to summer my neck is going to give out! The last few days have been really warm and we have enjoyed splashing in the blow-up pool at my Mom's. Did I say how much I love my job schedule?? Beautiful days, beautiful days...

Cancer Surgery

D's surgery went "technically perfect," according to the surgeon (both of them). They were both happy with the results. All the margins looked good: they were able to get enough healthy tissue surrounding the tumor to safely say the tumor is removed. He was in surgery for 6 hours then in recovery for two hours. He's now resting in his room and should be released tomorrow.

He's been in SLC since last Wednesday for doctor appointments and tests and scans. I've been here in ID, holding down the fort. I opted to stay here because the girls started school last week and their first dance classes and piano classes started this week. I'm trying to keep things as normal for them as possible. D's parents are with him and we talk with each other every night, but everyone was more emotional last night. We'll be glad to get him home!

Thanks for all your thoughts and prayers. His doctor isn't sure yet if D will need more chemo. It will depend on the pathology. We should hear about that sometime next week.

Good News/Bad News

Good News:
The PET scan was "stable with no evidence of metastatic disease."

Bad News:
Don't know what the bump is, but as long as it doesn't get any bigger or painful, the doctor will watch it.

What Now:
Life as usual :) Thank you all so much for your concern and thoughts!!

A Man's Way

The meat was frozen and very cold :) I was trying to cut the roast in half so I could get it into the crock pot. I needed some extra arm muscle. Who do I ask? The Man, right? Right.

Here is the result. I didn't complain...just grabbed the camera and gave him a hug :)

Yes, that is a hammer! :) Guess what else? I get a new set of knives for Mother's Day! :)

What to do while waiting in the waiting room

Even thinking the word "COLONOSCOPY" inflicts in the minds of every adult urdges to suppress stomach acid and run to the bathroom (keep the air freshener handy). Yup. D is in for another one. Just one of the many tests he endures. I even know how he feels this time. I had mine done last October **pat me on the back** :) I wasn't any help last night, though, when I got the munchies and he's chugging his third can of Veggie broth, I made myself nachos. They were in the microwave before I realized what I had done. I sure wasn't going to throw it out! I thought about eating them in the other room, but the Jazz game was on! Not that I wouldn't have missed anything...

Anyway, with all the blood they take from him to test, I'm surprized the results are anywhere near normal. Except they haven't been. And his blood sugars are out of controll and he's taking insulin now. So, colonoscopy today, more tests next week. We'll see what comes of it all. Mostly, it just leaves more questions and few answers. The more I'm around medicine, the more I realize there is no "medical science." And it's frustrating when you need answers.

Now, overall, he's fine. Don'e flood him with calls. :) We'll keep you updated and there is no emergency, just waiting. :)

Happy Birthday, D

D celebrated his 34th birthday on Sunday. We had dinner with his family and the kids and I even made the cake! :) In honor of my humble cake-making abilities, here is what makes D 'cook'! :)

*Gives great hugs
*Is taller than me
*Will help me fold laundry
*Puts the kids to bed
*Picks me up from work at 12:30 in the morning because I'm too tired to walk
*Encourages me to ride with him on his motorcycle
*Uses the office computer because I'm hogging his laptop
*Did the dishes last night (and lots of other nights)
*Keeps the cars running
*Let's me sing along with the radio
*Watches romantic movies with me
*Loves to cuddle on the couch
*Is a great listener
*Is a great friend

I love you! Happy birthday, babe! xoxo

Husband Tag

Where We Met? On-line, then for the first time in person, he picked me up for a date.
How long did we date before we were married? Just a week shy of one year.
How long have we been married? 3 and 1/2 years
What is my favorite thing about him? Lots, but he gives great hugs
What is your favorite quality about him? He loves being with his family
What is his nickname for you? Hello, Nurse!
His favorite food? Rice and anything else I put infront of him (except bananas)
His favorite sport? He likes to watch all kinds of sports, but if he could, he'd play golf as much as possible.
Who said the "L" word first? He did :)
First Kiss? In my car, saying good bye to each other, right after he asked my Dad if he could marry me. It was accidental. We were both turning to say good-bye and kiss on the check and we both missed, obviously :)
Favorite Couple thing to do? Watch movies while eatting popcorn and drinking hot chocolate and cuddling on the couch.
How many kids we have? Three: one boy, two girls
His hidden talent? Keeping me warm
His age? Almost 34
His favorite music? Classic rock
What do You admire most about him? His ability to stay calm and level-headed when I start to worry. Also, his whole-hearted, unconditional love for me.
His favorite past time? He says Dating me, which I don't doubt, but I think it would be computer/video games, if he had time.
Will he read this? Definately :)

I tag Amy, Jill, Jacque K, Amber, and Scarlet

Waisting Away

I posted this idea on my Status of my Facebook page and I wanted to talk about it here, too, because this is like my online journal. So, even though only myself and a hand full of people read this, my thoughts will be forever in the realms of the world wide web (and ldsjournal.com). :)

Anyhooo, You really know that cut-backs have hit home when you decide to go a week with out a cell phone because you don't want to drive the 40 miles round trip to pick it up.

When gas is more important than connivance, that, my friends, is a recession. "How could we live without these things?" we ask ourselves (as I have many times over the years). The same way I made the choice to use public transportation and make my commute to work almost an two-hour round trip ordeal. But, driving home in rush-hour traffic wasn't much fun, either.

At least for our household, even though gas is no where near $4 again, we still drive less (thanks also to our relocation) and are smart about what and how we consume. Don't get me wrong, I'm not crazy about global warming theories and recycling is a pain, but knowing even that little bit I set aside for the recycle bin is helping somewhere. Plus, I absolutely LOVE getting and using those reusable totes from grocery stores!! I have quite the collection. The Costco ones are studry, the Ikea ones are huge. I like the ones I got at K-Mart and Harmons. They have a plastic piece that fits into the bottom to help it stand up. But the Wal-Mart ones you can shove into small spaces (D even uses one now and then to carry his school books when he doesn't need his big back pack). Plus, some stores give you a 5 cent return for each bag you use on that trip! I had 80 cents off one time! :) Not much, but it's one way to say, "Thank you."

All that over a cell phone??
Funny thing...it was D's cell phone. :) I guess I should ask him how he missed it (hehehe).

Saw a Movie...

...referred by my cousin (thanks, Jacque), P.S. I Love You. A bit slow, but it made me think, and cry.

I wasn't expecting it to be about cancer (I won't say anything more than that) but it was unexpectedly thought-provoking. I called Daryl home from school early so I could watch it again with him. I was pretty emotional all evening, and I'm still not sure that he got why. I'm a pretty emotional person, by nature, and crying is not foreign to me. But thinking about loosing a loved one, watching them throughout the dying process, isn't something anyone looks forward to. I saw so much of that working at the Cancer Hospital. This movie put that all in my face again that day. "This could be a possibility for us." For anyone, really. Anything could happen (the movie is very positive, you see no dying, just wanted to throw that out there).

So far, we've been blessed and will continue to be. D was given a wonderful blessing and his scans have been clean. The next one is in a few weeks (19 Nov). Thank you for all your prayers and words of encouragement. In the end, it comes down to our own personal determination. He is my hero and I love that I work every day helping other people...pay it forward.

I think we should watch that movie too.

Inside Her Head

I would love to see inside Eliza's mind and how she processes information. The following is from a conversation between she and Daryl:
E: I don't want you to die
D: Well, why not? (where exactly can you go with that, right?)
E: Because girls without dads have to live with mean step-moms and have to ware raggs and work as maids and clean the house with a mop.
D: Well, maybe your Fairy Godmother will bring you a Prince?
E thinks about that for a minute
E: What about mom?
D: Maybe the Fairy Godmother will bring Mom a king!
E: (pauses) Naw, she's better off with a normal husband like you.

I couldn't agree more :) xoxo

So Far Behind...

...that I don't even know where to start catching up! I have 200 pictures on my camera that I haven't even downloaded yet, so my camera knows what the kids have been doing all summer... I'll catch up with you all probably around Christmas...well, we'll be moving over the break...maybe you'll just have to wait for a while. :)

Speaking of catching up, Daryl took my out on a real date last night for our 3rd Anniversary. It was so lovely. He arranged a babysitter (thanks Papa Peay) and took me to The Roof Restaurant at the JSMB. He wanted to go to the Joseph Smith movie first, but he didn't make it home from work in time. But, we walked around temple square and walked through the South Visitor's Center. They've put in an exhibition about building the SLC temple. It was really interesting.

Dinner was so cozy. I never knew "buffet" could be so elegant. There was even a pianist, and she was even playing pieces I knew. :) Then, while we were eating, she started playing our song (Bless the Broken Road, by Rascal Flats) and I started tearing up. D asked her to play it for us. We had a beautiful night view of the temple and the city from our table and just enjoyed our evening together. I knew we were going to go out to dinner, but he wanted the rest to be a surprise. It's nice to be surprised now and then. Thanks, love. I can't wait to go back next year and talk about these past months.

Childlike Sincerity

Driving home after a work party hosted by D's company this evening:

J: Where is Dad?

Me: He's up ahead of us (he was on his motorcycle).

E: He's up by the gray car (not really, I couldn't see him, he was so far ahead).

Me: Yah, he's up there somewhere.

J: Oh! See the red and blue lights? Is that him?

Me: He better not be with the red and blue lights (chuckle to myself).

E: Yah, that's a police car. Dad's not a police man.

J: Oh...maybe next time.

Dear, you have no idea how hard I tried to NOT laugh :)

Paying Homage to Lumber and Sheet Rock...

...well for now, it's just lumber. Actually, these pictures are from the demo project that started last week, or was it the week before that? Anyhoo, my kitchen is torn up, there is a fine layer of white dust over the whole house and even though I painstakingly taped down a drop-cloth, I'm taping up holes daily. Non of this I mind, however, and was determined to not complain about it from the beginning. D was literally dying for something to do with his tools, so when I mentioned repainting the kitchen, it all just snowballed!!

Seriously, it all started with getting paint for the kitchen, then..."Crap, the disposal isn't working. Wouldn't it be easier to just install a new one in a new sink...I found a great counter top that would look so great with the new wall color...it would be great to just take the old ones off, let me paint then put the new ones on...good thing we're getting a new sink to go in the new counter top cuz the old faucet has a corrosion hole on the underside and is spraying water all over...might as well make the pantry bigger...if we made the door to the new pantry come out at an angle, we could move the fridge over and add another cupboard...I found a new backdoor that matches the pantry door..."

That's about where we are right now. :) I hope to have most of it done by next week, at least so we can paint the main color while my family is down from Idaho for Eliza's B-day party. Keep your fingers crossed. :)

P.S. He got the current garbage disposal working again, but he had already started the demo, so no going back now!! :)

An appology letter for My Hero on Father's Day

I know this is late, as Father's Day was yesterday, but I wanted to post something anyway. :)

I was full aware of what yesterday was, even as I woke out of dead sleep, realizing I forgot to turn off the sprinkler from the night before. I ran upstairs, shut it off, then quietly ran back to bed, hoping not to wake anyone up. When I returned to bed, you seemed to be asleep.

I was going to say sweetly, "Happy father's day," but you looked so comfy that I didn't want to wake you, so I closed my eyes (first opportunity missed). I fell back asleep, too.

Of course I slept in past my alarm. Who doesn't? But, that made it so you had to get the kids their breakfast and no one made YOU breakfast (second opportunity missed). We didn't even get to cuddle, like we sometimes do in the mornings.

I know you haven't felt great these last few weeks, but you've gotten out of bed and gone to work every day. I almost cry when you leave, knowing how tired you are. Or, maybe it's the thought of you riding the motorcycle...maybe that helps motivate you to get out of bed...? Anyway, even the day you could have had to yourself, I left you a "honey-do" list, of which you hit them all out of the park!! Mowing the lawn and taking E to her dress rehearsal and dinner? Amazing!

I'm sorry that I plan incessantly for all the big stuff, but forget to include the little stuff, too. Hopefully, we'll be able to take some deep breaths soon, and enjoy them. :) Until then, my love, know that you are a great father, a great husband and a great friend, none of which I would ever trade for all the dark chocolate in Switzerland. xoxoxo

How to Take Care of a Cancer Patient (part two)

Did you all enjoy noticing your feelings? Were you able to allow yourself to feel something different, or something you weren't used to feeling? Mothers, for example, tend to allow themselves to feel guilty about lots of things and yet put off feelings of contentment. At least that's what I've read. :) I tend to lean toward guilty contentment with a squirt of messy chocolate sauce!

June is Sarcoma Awareness month. Wear Yellow and tell everyone you know that you know a Sarcoma Survivor! Little joys and milestones are important and have been from our perspective. While our dear friend Rich was alive and fighting every day to keep his mental faculties (he had an aggressive brain tumor), every single day held blessings and joys. He would always talk about his kids, 3 young boys, just being able to hold his wife's hand, reaching for something on his own, getting himself to his wheelchair then having the energy to get himself down the hall. Little things and great lessons.

Rich was a great example in staying positive, no matter the outcome. Daryl's case isn't quite so grim, and most cancers aren't grim and after treatment offer the patient a great deal of life still left to live. Think of it as a wake-up call. You are going about your business, life as usual, then someone says you have a life-altering disease.

"The disease itself may not kill you, but the medications we will give you will put your body at a considerable risk for infection and quality of life for x# months. You will probably have some side-effects, many of which could linger (i.e. sterility, nerve damage, heart damage, skin irritations, kidney damage). Of course we will try to limit these side effects.....but we just don't know how it will effect each person exactly , but this is how the last 87% of people have done..."

Wake-up call.

But we are all in different stages of dying, right? Every day we live here is one less tomorrow we will have. People living with Cancer have just had their mortality shoved in their face, front and center, hot spotlights and everything. Now we are forced to deal with the reality that mortality ends. So, now what? What do we do with that realization? That, my dear friends, is a constant everyday exercise; do not take anything for granted.

That is the next question. How would you change your mortality if it were shoved in your face? Or would you change anything at all? What would you give up? What would you hold close? Now we know what is really important, hu?

Don't forget the chocolate...

Clean

No, I'm not bashing Martha again. Daryl had another MRI last Friday.

"No evidence of metastatic disease" which means he has a clean bill of health! :) Yeah for chemotherapy and radiation (easy for me to say, I didn't have to do it) but because of these things, and ofcourse my great care in keeping his central IV line from getting infected or clotted, our favorite Dad, husband and friend will be with us for many, many more years! We will get the final word from his doctor on June 9, so until then... enjoy everything! Live Rich, love you man!

Wanted: New Job

Wanted: high pay, NO time away from my family, great insurance with minimal cost, lots of paid-time off, bonuses would be nice but not manditory (I don't want to get too greedy, here!) :)



I really enjoy my job. No, seriously. I could honestly say I LOVE my job...until the last few weeks. Today, I don't love my job so much.



Physical interaction with people and helping people are so wonderful about being a nurse. I hate being away from my family, but I still get to help make someone else's day a little better so that helps (except, try to explain that to Eliza). However, the last few weeks I have seen the really terrible fallouts of this mystical disease we call Cancer. I have in the past also seen Cancer bring families and relationships closer, a beautiful thing. But there is nothing beautiful about a 27 year old mother of four children under the age of 10 not being able to communicate with her family, her husband helpless and holding back tears, trying to be strong for the children, simply holding her hand, waiting for family to gather so they can say goodbye and turn off the machines. A more positive person would find some sort of beauty in this situation...I don't know how else to see it right now. I would hate to be on either of that side. We all would.



I could go on and on with the patients and their situations. I love them all, and each story pulls at my heartstrings. We all end up asking "Why, and How?" even though we all know there is no answer, but it's hard not to sometimes. And I think it's waring on me. I'm having a harder and harder time leaving work at work...



...and then it actually came home with me.



Then my husband made fast friends with a brain-cancer patient who was given months to live and made the most of every moment...until the very end. I was this man's nurse days before he died...not a good idea, but his wife and I had a bond. I wanted to take care of them. I wanted someone to hold me, so i wanted to hold her. She knew Daryl. But, something's gotta give when your friends and patients and family collide.



So, as of today, I'm considering a job change. If anyone knows how get paid for simply being a full-time Mom, please let me know!! Being a nurse is all I know; it's engrained in me, but can we get away from the sadness? I'm taking suggestions... email me at peayfamily@gmail.com if you can't leave a comment here. I'm totally serious, Mom.

Good times, Old times...

(I actually wrote this a few weeks ago but didn't post it, obviously. So I figured I'd post this while I get our vacation stuff together) Enjoy a bit of personality. :)

We have a group of new nurses joining our staff at work, this being one of the end's of the many ends to the multiple nursing school programs. With all the new graduates around (some have been with us their whole nursing school experience), there has been a great deal of reminiscing lately. There has been the annoying professor complaints, the miscommunication with the different offices on how exactly we get our degree or temporary licence or other nonsense. Aside from that, there has been a great deal of looking back -- three years now for me -- and what was going on in our lives then.

I can't believe it's been three years since I've graduated with a college degree; at the same time it feels like FOREVER! But I wouldn't change any of it. I can't imagine working anywhere else. When the Huntsman Cancer Hospital was finishing up construction, I still had a year before I graduated and wanted so bad to move down and work at that facility. To just be a part of something of Mr. Huntsman's amazing generosity would have been a privilege. Then I met the the manager who's vision it was to even have a facility like this for "her" cancer patients was so moving...I knew, someday, I would be there. But, I was a single Mom and couldn't just pack up and move...well, I guess I could, but it wouldn't have been practical.

Then, I get married, and low-and-behold my lovely new husband wants to move back to Utah to be closer to his son so he doesn't have to leave us alone in ID every other weekend. He also let's me talk him into going to UofU. :) Well, I better apply for a job!! In one day I had 4 interviews, was offered the job at the end of each interview and accepted one from HCH. And here I still am.

Not only that, but we've had first-hand experience at the care the patients received, but I really think they spoiled Daryl and the kids. Eliza asked, just yesterday, when we get to go back to the hospital to visit. Daryl said the other day, too, that he misses seeing me at work. I have to admit, as weird as it was, it was a comfort knowing even if I couldn't be there with him, he was so very well cared for. Every day I'm at work, even now, someone asks me how he's doing and wishes us well. Plus, being with the patients helps keep things in perspective for us.

Working or not working is not an option for me right now. But if I have to work somewhere, I wouldn't want it to be anywhere else.