More Every Day

​I'm finding at the end of the day (right now it is just before noon, this is how pent up I am) that there is so much on my mind, but I have no outlet. I have no one to talk to and just unload everything that is on my mind, what I did that day, what I didn't do, frustrations, insecurities, hopes, dreams, fears, ect., so it just stays bottled up. Sure, that happens, and one person can't be my only sounding board, just like I don't want to set everything down here, for everyone to eventually see and read, or whoever cares to read through all this :)

Though I want to find a way to let these thoughts and feelings and emotions out, I also want it read in an entertaining and thought-provoking mannor, not just emmisis all over the page. I want it to look nice, to entice emotions, or to be inspiring in a way, or mildly humorous, if that's not too much to ask.

So I wait. 

I wait until I have an expericence to share or weeks to catch up on...but my life isn't all that exciting...it's rather mundane if you ask me. Sure, I'm in grad school and I'm a single Mom and I have two very energetic daughters and I help take care of an ailing mother and I try to give health advice that no one seems to listen to anyway :) but all in all? At the end of the day, I'm just tired and usually don't want to make dinner, just like almost every other Mom, single or not. I could go off on a chore tangent, but I won't because that's not the point, and that would be a fun post for another day.

So, last night, I did something different. I talked to my kids. Now, this partially works because they are older, 14 and 10 right now, so they can listen and have some input. I wasn't really looking for input, I just wanted to tell someone that wasn't a phone or a computer SOMETHING; just talk. Also, I'm not talking about sharing with my kids weights of the world or asking relashonship advice or anything else that would require another ADULT or be innapropriate for a child, but I figured just sharing about my day and a few things that were frustrating me with school finishing up, I thought they could handle those topics. I didn't have an agenda; I didn't know exactly what I was going to say, I just started out with: I've been having a rough week; would you mind listening for a few minutes?

And do you know what???? It felt amazing! They were totally focused on what I was saying, patted my leg in reasurance, and even offered some pretty great advice: don't be so hard on yourself, Mom! We honestly really do enjoy eatting mac n' cheese with tuna, and we love making it for ourselves! I did give up a few months ago on preparing meals every day; so I keep frozen meals, even pizza (you'd think they died and gone to heaven when I brought home 2 frozen pizzas!!) and the girls fix themselves dinner 3 nights a week so I can focus on school. Meal prep will get resurrected in a few months when I am finally employeed again, but in the meantime I tell myself they are learning life skills. Anyway, the three of us had a great conversation about school stress - because all 3 of us are stressed about something with school right now! And I know that, as a parent, I should be having conversations like these with my kids, especially now they are getting older, but life... yeah...

So, last night, it was a good thing I was feeling alone in the world for a moment, because I was taken to a place where I should have been going a really long time ago.  I think after Daryl died, all 3 of us just...went to our safe spaces...and literally stayed there. Lydia still doesn't like talking about Daryl, unless she is asking me questions, but at least we can bond over school. She knows she's smart like her Dad, and she really enjoys having that aspect of him, but she struggles with writing and we are working on a report right now and she hates it. Eliza has just been pushing everyone away and having a hard time making friends. She's done really well this year with friends, but last night she talked about a teacher that is frustrating her. They have no idea all that is frustrating about doing a 20+ page research paper on medical ethics and the national opiod crisis, but the 20 pages gets their attention and they can be sympathic with that. 

Lesson: I am responsible for growing 2 small personalities that will eventually need to be self-sustaining and preferablly positive contributors to society. I need to be a part of that, not just watch it happen and hope for the best. They aren't small anymore; I missed so much of that, but I can't do that over again. What I CAN do is be present for what's left. They are both such beautiful and amazing people, inspite of what I haven't been able to influence. And FUNNY!! Oh my goodness, every day I am laughing. 

Every. Single. Day. I guess I haven't messed up too bad...there is still time.

That wasn't as long as I thought...

Hmm, I really thought it was more like a year since I last posted...I guess after seven months I should have more to talk about than cancer, huh? Oddly enough, though, after that post, everything kind of just went down hill and didn't stop...
Long story or short story?
Short. The long one is too long now. I'll try to catch up somehow, or maybe not. Some things just need to be left in the past. There is almost too much I want to say, I don't know how to do it now.
Let's talk about changes!! That's an easier category to tackle. In February, I was finally able to change my work schedule so that I am working at night on the weekends (three 12-hour shifts). That means...I get to be home ALL WEEK!! You guys, you have NO IDEA how much this one change alone has improved my entire life! Shortly after I started doing that, I enrolled E into an online charter school and have been working with her at home. She still misses seeing her friends, but I think being able to play outside any time of day is working it's magic on her. She will dilligently work on her school work so she and L can go play at the park across the street or so we can go play at Nannie's. I have enjoyed so much having her home that I enrolled L in the school for kindergarten as well. There are lots of kids they play with in the neighborhood, so I don't worry about them making friends. But I really love the flexability we all have with their school schedule!
Also, there have been changes in our families. D lost his grandmother due to pneumonia, then I lost a cousin of mine in an auto accident. Both my sister and sis-in-law had miscarages last November. That was rough. The sis-in-law was able to get preggo agian, though, and she's due in a few weeks!
D had to have another surgery in March to remove another tumor. He started radiation therapy last week and is already feeling the tired effects of this treatment. Within the last week, though, we decided to start working with a Naturepath. Seriously, though, 5 surgeries, 2 rounds of chemo, now 2 rounds of radiation and a possible 6 surgery pending with the loss of hearing in one ear, what harm can some herbs and oils do? Might as well try it, cuz the Western medicine isn't doing such a great job :) I'm interested!
But, right now, I am looking so forward to summer my neck is going to give out! The last few days have been really warm and we have enjoyed splashing in the blow-up pool at my Mom's. Did I say how much I love my job schedule?? Beautiful days, beautiful days...

First Day of School

I know, everyone else has already gone back to school, but since Eliza's new Charter School building still looks like this:



...they had to postpone the start date. Well, as of last Saturday, it looked like that :) The landscaping still needs to be put in and the main concrete floors still need to be stained, but it still looks great and will be an amazing building! We're really excited! Well, E was more nervous than excited, but after school today she was waaay more excited :)

Eliza, first day of third grade, Quail Run Primary School

Waiting at the bus stop with a few more nervous kids :)

Below: "When do I get to go to school??" Now, good night from Northern Utah County. May tomorrow bring you less chaos than today :) (that was more for myself...)

Enjoy :)

Little Slice of Heaven

So, my first trip to Moab...ever... was last weekend! It was short but, oh, was it sweet!! I am officially in love with those red cliffs. As my husband and I were driving down Friday evening, I was planning out loud where we would take the kids "next time we come down." Yes, there will most-definitely be a next time, but not soon enough.

It was dark as we drove into town, but the Main Street was bustling with tourists and shops and ice cream and Pizza. We drove the length of the street, found the main grocery store where we would pick up something for breakfast in the morning, then found an empty parking lot and made ourselves comfortable in the back of our Durango on a wonderfully large air mattress. I haven't slept that well in a long time. I think it was the combination of knowing the children were safe and happy at Grandma's and Grandpa's (and wouldn't be waking me up at the crack of dawn), and with the windows rolled down, there was a pleasant spring breeze slipping lightly over my face. I sighed and fell quickly into sleep.

Sleeping in until 7:30 really did feel like Heaven :)

Saturday was hard work, and even though the wind was blowing dried grass and dirt over our sweaty faces and necks, that same breeze helped cool off the heat of the day. We were all glad it wasn't full summer and that it wasn't raining! By evening, we were all hot, tired, dirty, hungry and thirsty, but there was also a huge sense of accomplishment. The last ties were secured around the "Money Load." We got as much square inch used out of that trailer that possible. And it felt great. As Tawna handed over the check for the items purchased, it was high-fives all around!

D and I ate a late dinner at a very busy local place, Zax, and were seated on the covered patio. It was a beautiful warm evening; I enjoyed it all very much. The food and company were great also :) I wanted to just sleep in the car one more night, but D wanted to get back home (sigh). I think I just wanted to wake up to that beautiful warm sky one more time. Until October...

This was an excerpt of what I wrote for E's school blog, http://www.qrps.blogspot.com/ We purchased

some used school furniture and loaded it to be transported back to Pleasant Grove. Re-using gently used items (and I mean gently!) is a great feeling. This was like a "Yard Sale of the Year" load!

With budget cuts, the Board of Directors decided instead of cutting teachers or curriculum, they would scale back on furniture (ie: buying new desks, tables, chairs, bookshelves, etc) and try to get what they can through second-hand purchasing. You would not believe what other schools are willing to sell for pennies on the dollar, just because they want something "new"! With the hauls we made last weekend and another time last week, and a few other stops along the way, the school was able to save almost $250,000! Wow. Wow!

I cannot wait for E to start this school in the fall. Heck, I wish I was going there in the fall! I am so impressed with the Administration and their determination to the children's education, and also to the school itself. I can't wait 'till it's finished being built so I can take pictures and show you all, so you all can be excited with me :)

I really took both of those pictures :) yeah, me!

Mix It Up

D and I were able to spend some time together Friday and Saturday. My mother took the kids with her to ID for the weekend and, because I have to work Saturday morning, I followed later that evening. So, I was able to spend all of my off-work time from Thursday night until Saturday with D. He just sleeps and I watch TV, with the occational walk, but I love when his head is on my lap and I can rub his scalp. His hair is at the velvety texture length...mmmmm. He likes it too. After I got off work Friday afternoon, I went to his room, got him out of bed and we walked around the halls. A snow storm was moving away from the valley and the view from the patio was amazing. I'll post pics later. He'll be done with chemo later today so I'll take him home tonight.

Despite the fact that the country is up in arms today (go to your favorite news site/channel to follow the Health Care Bill fall-out; I don't want to get into it here), I've officially made a decision; well, a few actually. I've decided I will not be returning to school this fall to pursue a Pharmacy degree. Instead, I've started the enrollment process for E into a homeschooling program. This is in the event that she doesn't get into a certain charter school by fall. (Deep breath) I will potentially be homeschooling her to her fullest potential, which is the ultimate goal :) Bless my heart...

Options

I've been seriously considering homeschooling my kids. I've been looking into it while I'm considering other reprocusions (time, social aspects). However, I'm coming away with more positives than negatives. At least, here in our area, there is a large population of homeschoolers and programs (field trips, activities, etc) set up for them. My only problem is the fact that I work three days a week, so my options are limited. Not to mention I'll be starting school in the fall...again... (that's a whole other post)

However, you think our public school options are bad? Read this article and you will thank your lucky 50 stars for the options we do have. Maybe I'll just get in line for a charter school...

First Day of Second Grade

D took E to the school yesterday to find her new classroom and meet her teacher. It's hard enough sending her on the bus, so I wanted her to at least know how to get to her class. She came home excited, but with all the talk of "going back to school," L came up to me on Sunday, solemn and with a frown. She said, "Mama, why does E have to go to school? I will miss her." They've had fun staying up late together, reading books together, watching movies, playing dolls and Lego's, not to mention coloring...everything there is to color. I didn't even imagine there would be a separation anxiety, considering how they can make each other scream with frustration :) I told L we could do our own school; that seemed to appease her for the time. Time to get out the workbooks!!

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Is There A ______ In The House?

I've had a bee under my bonnet for a little while now, and maybe - if I put it out into the www - I'll be able to be rid of it for a time.

I've been contemplating going back to school...

***Keep breathing, Mom. I haven't jumped off any bridges yet. I'm just thinking out loud***

I guess that's what happens when a person is surrounded by academia. D is going to school. Practically everyone I work with is in some form of school. Obviously my whole social network (since we live on campus) is going to some form of school. Goodness, even the kids are going to school!!

So, do I feel left out? Or do I think I'm missing something? For a long time, after I graduated, I was so grateful to be DONE with school and papers and research and long nights at the library and more papers... **sigh**

Actually thinking about taking the GRE gives me anxiety, but I looked into it last night. I also looked at some programs at the U last night. Baby steps...I guess I'm admitting to myself that it's not a question of "If" but rather "When." I'm still incredibly nervous about the idea and have butterflies even now while I'm typing.

Anyone need a Pharmacist??

PTA = _____

= Parents Who Have More Time On Their Hands Than They Know What To Do With So They Create Organizations That Nudge Their Way Into Public School Systems and Tell The Teachers That They Can't Function Without It and Even Have Legislators' Fingers In Tax-Free Money To Fund These Programs and Now I'm Sucked Into The Whole Mess...

...yah, I volunteered to be the Treasure, thinking that was a pretty benign and safely controlled choice, thinking that if I was doing something, I wouldn't get the constant phone calls to help with this or that when I'd have to say no anyway, because outside of my family, I HAVE A LIFE. We'll see how that works.

Don't get me wrong. I want to help. I want to be involved. But the largeness of the program is nauseating.

I really do believe that the kids would still function and education would not cease if there were no Reflections (art shows) or Meet the Masters (doesn't anyone really go?) or Parent's and Pastries or Jog-a-thon's and fundraisers (to raise money for said activities). Seriously people? What happened to the parents or the students supporting their student's teachers, sending the needed supplies, putting together their own class parties, etc.

Kids who are homeschooled don't have PTA. (Gasp) I know!! How do they even get through their school curriculum??

They don't have PTAs...They have parents.

I remember submitting a story for Relfections when I was in the 5th grade, but none of this other fluffy stuff. And that's what it is. PTA has gotten so out of hand. By allowing this program to become as large as it has, at a national level, it has actually taken more accountability away from parents, when their creed is to help get parents more involved. If anyone has more PTA insight, then by all means enlighten me. But I had NO IDEA that there are chapters and Commissioners and more Commissioners and so many people involved. Kind of superfluous, I think. If I find out any of them get any kind of financial compensation, I may seriously spontaneously combust.

Now, people think, "Oh, the PTA takes care of that. I don't have to." Yup, thanks to socialized liberal school propaganda and more governmental programs that brainwash us into thinking we need all these programs to have a functional school system. Thus we don't have to be responsible for our children's education or extra activities because the government should just take care of it all.

The Principal was almost crying at Back to School night when she was saying how we almost had no PTA president for this year (thus no PTA) when a Dad picked up the baton. Kudos to him, honestly, though.

But really. We should have given it a year and then said, "Man, that saved a whole lot of people a whole lot of headaches."

Valentine's Day 2008

Here are some fun pictures from Valentine's Day and a couple other days this past week

The girls love to pose and Lydia loves to say "Cheeeeese!"
I couldn't believe I was able to get Lydia to stay in that pose long enough to take the photo! When she saw Eliza get down on the floor, she dropped down right next to her!

They both are so loving.

I'll keep this picture and show it to them, maybe even enlarge it and frame it, to put in their room about 10 years from now. :)

Eliza's Kindergarten Valentine's Party, making cards for Mom and Dad, matching conversation hearts and decorating cookies. I've been the PM Kindergarted Room Mother this year. I really has been great because I can't be there during the day, but this way I get to organize the parties! I've had great help from other Moms, too.

Oh...got...to...get...up...

Tada!!! Cheeeeeese!

Listening to Eliza play the piano

Eliza is playing 'Old McDonald Had a Farm' for Grandpa Peay, all by herself!!