More Every Day

​I'm finding at the end of the day (right now it is just before noon, this is how pent up I am) that there is so much on my mind, but I have no outlet. I have no one to talk to and just unload everything that is on my mind, what I did that day, what I didn't do, frustrations, insecurities, hopes, dreams, fears, ect., so it just stays bottled up. Sure, that happens, and one person can't be my only sounding board, just like I don't want to set everything down here, for everyone to eventually see and read, or whoever cares to read through all this :)

Though I want to find a way to let these thoughts and feelings and emotions out, I also want it read in an entertaining and thought-provoking mannor, not just emmisis all over the page. I want it to look nice, to entice emotions, or to be inspiring in a way, or mildly humorous, if that's not too much to ask.

So I wait. 

I wait until I have an expericence to share or weeks to catch up on...but my life isn't all that exciting...it's rather mundane if you ask me. Sure, I'm in grad school and I'm a single Mom and I have two very energetic daughters and I help take care of an ailing mother and I try to give health advice that no one seems to listen to anyway :) but all in all? At the end of the day, I'm just tired and usually don't want to make dinner, just like almost every other Mom, single or not. I could go off on a chore tangent, but I won't because that's not the point, and that would be a fun post for another day.

So, last night, I did something different. I talked to my kids. Now, this partially works because they are older, 14 and 10 right now, so they can listen and have some input. I wasn't really looking for input, I just wanted to tell someone that wasn't a phone or a computer SOMETHING; just talk. Also, I'm not talking about sharing with my kids weights of the world or asking relashonship advice or anything else that would require another ADULT or be innapropriate for a child, but I figured just sharing about my day and a few things that were frustrating me with school finishing up, I thought they could handle those topics. I didn't have an agenda; I didn't know exactly what I was going to say, I just started out with: I've been having a rough week; would you mind listening for a few minutes?

And do you know what???? It felt amazing! They were totally focused on what I was saying, patted my leg in reasurance, and even offered some pretty great advice: don't be so hard on yourself, Mom! We honestly really do enjoy eatting mac n' cheese with tuna, and we love making it for ourselves! I did give up a few months ago on preparing meals every day; so I keep frozen meals, even pizza (you'd think they died and gone to heaven when I brought home 2 frozen pizzas!!) and the girls fix themselves dinner 3 nights a week so I can focus on school. Meal prep will get resurrected in a few months when I am finally employeed again, but in the meantime I tell myself they are learning life skills. Anyway, the three of us had a great conversation about school stress - because all 3 of us are stressed about something with school right now! And I know that, as a parent, I should be having conversations like these with my kids, especially now they are getting older, but life... yeah...

So, last night, it was a good thing I was feeling alone in the world for a moment, because I was taken to a place where I should have been going a really long time ago.  I think after Daryl died, all 3 of us just...went to our safe spaces...and literally stayed there. Lydia still doesn't like talking about Daryl, unless she is asking me questions, but at least we can bond over school. She knows she's smart like her Dad, and she really enjoys having that aspect of him, but she struggles with writing and we are working on a report right now and she hates it. Eliza has just been pushing everyone away and having a hard time making friends. She's done really well this year with friends, but last night she talked about a teacher that is frustrating her. They have no idea all that is frustrating about doing a 20+ page research paper on medical ethics and the national opiod crisis, but the 20 pages gets their attention and they can be sympathic with that. 

Lesson: I am responsible for growing 2 small personalities that will eventually need to be self-sustaining and preferablly positive contributors to society. I need to be a part of that, not just watch it happen and hope for the best. They aren't small anymore; I missed so much of that, but I can't do that over again. What I CAN do is be present for what's left. They are both such beautiful and amazing people, inspite of what I haven't been able to influence. And FUNNY!! Oh my goodness, every day I am laughing. 

Every. Single. Day. I guess I haven't messed up too bad...there is still time.

That wasn't as long as I thought...

Hmm, I really thought it was more like a year since I last posted...I guess after seven months I should have more to talk about than cancer, huh? Oddly enough, though, after that post, everything kind of just went down hill and didn't stop...
Long story or short story?
Short. The long one is too long now. I'll try to catch up somehow, or maybe not. Some things just need to be left in the past. There is almost too much I want to say, I don't know how to do it now.
Let's talk about changes!! That's an easier category to tackle. In February, I was finally able to change my work schedule so that I am working at night on the weekends (three 12-hour shifts). That means...I get to be home ALL WEEK!! You guys, you have NO IDEA how much this one change alone has improved my entire life! Shortly after I started doing that, I enrolled E into an online charter school and have been working with her at home. She still misses seeing her friends, but I think being able to play outside any time of day is working it's magic on her. She will dilligently work on her school work so she and L can go play at the park across the street or so we can go play at Nannie's. I have enjoyed so much having her home that I enrolled L in the school for kindergarten as well. There are lots of kids they play with in the neighborhood, so I don't worry about them making friends. But I really love the flexability we all have with their school schedule!
Also, there have been changes in our families. D lost his grandmother due to pneumonia, then I lost a cousin of mine in an auto accident. Both my sister and sis-in-law had miscarages last November. That was rough. The sis-in-law was able to get preggo agian, though, and she's due in a few weeks!
D had to have another surgery in March to remove another tumor. He started radiation therapy last week and is already feeling the tired effects of this treatment. Within the last week, though, we decided to start working with a Naturepath. Seriously, though, 5 surgeries, 2 rounds of chemo, now 2 rounds of radiation and a possible 6 surgery pending with the loss of hearing in one ear, what harm can some herbs and oils do? Might as well try it, cuz the Western medicine isn't doing such a great job :) I'm interested!
But, right now, I am looking so forward to summer my neck is going to give out! The last few days have been really warm and we have enjoyed splashing in the blow-up pool at my Mom's. Did I say how much I love my job schedule?? Beautiful days, beautiful days...

Cancer Surgery

D's surgery went "technically perfect," according to the surgeon (both of them). They were both happy with the results. All the margins looked good: they were able to get enough healthy tissue surrounding the tumor to safely say the tumor is removed. He was in surgery for 6 hours then in recovery for two hours. He's now resting in his room and should be released tomorrow.

He's been in SLC since last Wednesday for doctor appointments and tests and scans. I've been here in ID, holding down the fort. I opted to stay here because the girls started school last week and their first dance classes and piano classes started this week. I'm trying to keep things as normal for them as possible. D's parents are with him and we talk with each other every night, but everyone was more emotional last night. We'll be glad to get him home!

Thanks for all your thoughts and prayers. His doctor isn't sure yet if D will need more chemo. It will depend on the pathology. We should hear about that sometime next week.

I'm Doing It...

Nothing crazy, don't you worry :)
I came across this blog today, and whatdoyaknow? She's doing a Giveaway of My Memories digital scrapbook software!! Holy Crow!! Check out her blog for the giveaway and check out the MM link! Such cute templates AND great sales! I now have a new past time! Move over Pintrest! I've got to organize my photos!!

Thanks, guys!

Home Sweet...IKEA

I know this picture is dark, but I am again in love with my bedroom!
And, my family is well aware of my love for IKEA...I should have invested in their stock...do they have stock??
In all the places we've lived over the last 6 years, this room is the largest bedroom we've had to ourselves, and we have a King sized mattress! Oh, wait, the student apartment bedroom was large, too, but I didn't have these shears or these pillows!! :)
With the shape of the room, and our large bed, there was no other placement option of the bed than right in front of a wall of windows, the only long wall in the space. We've never had a headboard. It's just never been high on the priority list, but I've always had pillows. However, I've never actually bought a decorative pillow outside of the living room. Nope, I lied. I bought some fun pillows for the girls' beds last year. So, that was the first :) I guess I figured it was time for my bedroom...and when I saw them, I knew it was only a matter of time before I would have them, and then decorate my bedroom around them.
Another thing I've never had: nightstands, at least matching ones. Honestly, the ones I wanted, I can't really justify right now, but I was tired of not having anything. So I bought these because the price was right. I was skeptical on the color, but it was the only one available. Again, the price was right. And now? Oh, how I love them!! The perfect casual color, the perfect place for my lamps that I've waiting so long to be able to use (lamp shade here)...lamp sticks were bought at Wal-Mart over a year ago and have been in storage until now...
The shears are white and gauzy and flowing and huge! And YES they really are $4.99 for TWO panels!! They are long, too, and the package says you can cut to length but I didn't cut them because I likes how they gathered on the floor. I have 6 panels total, three on each side of the bed. The moment they were all on the rod and arranged, the room felt so much softer and cozier! Just makes me want to cozy up in my down comforter and down pillows with hot chocolate and a book!

School? What the...

I just found out a few days ago that school doesn't start where we live now until September 1st!! Holy crow...what's up with that! Idaho sure likes it's summer vactions...and I have to admit we enjoy the scenary...

On the OTHER hand, I HAVE AN ENTIRE EXTRA WEEK TO GET THE KIDS READY FOR SCHOOL! I used to feel rushed...now I feel like I can enjoy the next few weeks...we have an extra week to play! I have an extra week to find: a piano teacher, a tennis instructor, a preschool and a dance teacher...BUT, D and I already have anneversary reservations :)

Priorities are crucial ;)

Me vs You

Have you ever spent much time in a waiting room? I've been here a lot the last few weeks, and will have more time tomorrow as we meet another doctor. But right now, we're in the Radiation Oncology waiting room, overhearing two ladies comparing/contrasting/comforting each other about their loved ones' brain tumors. See? Things could always be worse...

So, as I'm sitting, contemplating, feeling sorry for myself and for D, I listen to this mother explain how she sometimes acted out her frustration, slamming her hand on a counter and bruising it. Her son is 25. The neurosurgeon removed an apple-sized brain tumor. Now he is getting radiation to his brain. The other woman, was there with her father. These two women went on comparing side effects. Then, the mother said, "Can you imagine working here? Being around all of this, every day? We at least get to leave...it takes a special person to do this."

Yes, everyone struggles with something. And gratefully there are people along our way to help us through. I have strengths, you have strengths. I believe we come into each others' lives to help each other through those times. Even including doctors and nurses. I've learned so much from working at the Huntsman Cancer Hospital. But, now I'm grateful to leave the teaching and comforting to them, and I'll worry about my little family.

But, hey, if you want something stitched up, come on over! I've got all kinds of fun stuff! :-)

To be continued...

"Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid." John 14:27
We should hopefully learn about the biopsy results Wednesday ... Thank you for all your thoughts and prayers. We feel them.

Looking Back

I'm sitting in a waiting room at the Huntsman Cancer Hospital in Salt Lake City, UT while D is having a bone scan. He was injected with a dye this morning, then we had to kill three hours, now he's having full-body X-rays to see if his tumor has spread anywhere else in his body. Ewing's Sarcoma is mostly a bone cancer, so if it spreads, typically it will end up in a bone, or the lungs.

While I'm sitting here, playing games on my iPad and doing online banking, a gentleman receives a call on his cell phone. He proceeds to explain to his caller, why he's waiting for his PET scan (a PET scan looks for cancer in other soft tissues and lymph nodes of the body -D had one of those too, a long time ago). He goes on to describe his chemo regimine for the next nine months...

And I rewind five years...memories flood back from the first days of D's pain, fearing the worst, hoping for the best...holding L, knowing she would be my last baby...working through the night while my children slept with D in his hospital room...laying in D's bed with him during my breaks...waiting in the many waiting rooms over the years, looking around and feeling very young...going to church alone...celebrating birthdays in the hospital...Father's Day in the hospital...rubbing his bald head...L tracing where his eyebrows should be and being confused why they weren't there...wondering why his temp always has to spike at 2am...

Then now...D loves his head shaved (so do I). He's gotten back a lot of muscle...he tires easily...he has a new liver disease...he is now insulin dependent...he sunburns freakishly easily...he has difficulty remembering things (more so than just Man Brain)...the kids love laying with him, watching movies

With the recent developments, I've wondered, Can we do this again? Well, I'm sure we can, anything is do-able...you just DO it...you wake up every day, breathe in and out, and before you know it, 5 years have passed.

I was lucky. I learned from my cancer patients, before D ever was diagnosed, what they would have done differently, looking back. So, I guess, we had a head start...Now it looks like we'll get a second chance, too...sigh...Ok, let's get going then.

Speaking of Windows...

D had his 3 month check-up with his oncologist last week: blood work, MRI and CT scans. 
They found another tumor, same side. It's growing into the ear canal, might be into the bone. He will have a bone scan on Friday and will have it biopsied, too. He meets with his ENT surgeon and Radiologist next week....

Where is that window again??

Always a window...

I found out earlier this week that a friend from high school, a friend with whom much weekend and summer time was spent, passed away from unknown causes. She was a young, healthy woman and mother. My heart has been heavy, thinking of her and her little family.
Earlier this year, I found out that another friend from high school passed away after suffering a stroke. She also was young, otherwise healthy and a mother.

I have shed tears for both of them, well, for their families, and what they must be going through. What I am grateful for is knowing these two beautiful, strong women are again with a Heavenly Father who loves them very much. I am not sad for them. I do, however, not envy the struggles their children and families will face. But what also gives me comfort, in times like these, is believing that our loving Heavenly Father will not take something from us without giving us a way to cope, manage, grow, what ever you want to call it, a window.

I know because I've been there.
And I've loved both of these women.

"Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid." John 14:27

Feels good to be home

I had some time to myself last week. D took the kids with him to his father's family reunion in Springville UT from Thursday until Saturday. Just starting my new job last month, I couldn't get the time off. I didn't think it would be a big deal, but after I realized I wouldn't see any of them for 3 days, I was a bit melancholy. So, what do I do with all that time? I work late and put myself on call :) of course! Wouldn't you know, I didn't even get called in! Figures.

So, after working 55 hours that week, by Friday night, I was really tired, physically and mentally. I literally sat down in front of the tv and didn't move for 3 hours. Then I went to bed. But, wouldn't you know, I woke up bright eyed at 7:30 Saturday morning! :) Figures.

I organized the bills, payed them, then went grocery shopping. After that, I went to a few "antique" stores around town. My initial goal was to find something for the girls to play "tea" with. What I ended up with was quite the display! I found an entire service for 6 (cups, saucers, salad plates, dinner plates and gravy boat) with pears and apples on them! I've adopted a fruit theme in my kitchen so when I saw the price of $23 I really felt justified :) The next store I was able to find some mis-matched cups and saucers (and an adorable tiered server) for only a few dollars!

The fruit pitcher and the green bowls were added finds, along with the mini candle sticks. And, the best part? The girls loved them as much as I did!

I haven't had that much time to myself in a really long time. I missed them terribly, but I knew they were having a blast with their cousins (and they did!). And, when they came home, I felt rejuvenated. That, and a beautiful walk alone in the hills with the summer sun and my ipod, did my body good.

The Wedding

You know, the one that has stopped the entire United Kingdom? And, let's be honest, some of our own plans. Yup, I will need a nap tomorrow late morning because I will be up before the sun even is to watch as much as I can! :-) Except I'll be eating rice cakes instead of crumpets or scones (stupid gluten intolerance)...but perhaps some peppermint tea for good measure

Funny, isn't it?

I am typing this in Utah, of all places :) Yes, we did move up to Idaho one week ago. That was a very challenging two days (three, I guess!). I'm here though, killing some time, waiting to be called into work so I can have some insurance until the end of the month :)

Thursday, I was able to get off work early and D had already picked up the moving truck (the largest U-Haul makes), so we started loading the big stuff. Later that evening, D's parents came to help. Thankfully, D's Dad is a Master Packer!! Freaking amazing. We put stuff in the truck and he would use his Master Tetras skills to find a place for it. However, after carefully filling the truck just half way, we quickly realized we were not going to have enough room! And frustration started creeping up.

I had a schedule worked up in my brain, and by the end of Thursday, I was mentally crumpling it then trying to flatten it out again, over and over. We can do this...This is never gonna work...Deep breath...How will this work...I just wanna go to bed and wake up and have this all over!!

We slept on air mattresses Thursday night. Friday I still had Eliza go to school. I wanted her to be able to say good bye to her friends. They all knew that was her last day. And I'm glad she did, too. Her teacher had made a Memory Book for her and had everyone sign it and they gave it to her Friday :)

Friday started with just more packing. I had to finish packing the clothes and the bathrooms and wanted to be finished packing early in the afternoon so I could start cleaning. We had reserved a room at a close hotel that had a pool, and I had a date with the jacuzzi AND I WAS NOT GOING TO MISS IT!!

But, by that afternoon, the truck was packed and we still had half a garage of stuff that wasn't in it. Soooo, I said Screw it. We are going to the hotel, and we'll come back in the morning with a trailer to finish packing the rest. I'll just clean Saturday while the carpet guy is there.

So, we took the kids swimming and swam and relaxed and swam and relaxed and went back to the room like raisins. After we showered, the girls and I went to scope out the vending machine and we got some treats and watched TV until late. I honestly don't know what time it was when I turned off Disney :)

Needless to say, the night was NOT long enough. At least I woke up refreshed and we had breakfast at the hotel. I knew it would be a long day, but all day long, the ONE thing that pretty much kept me sane was the thought that, even after moving all this stuff and unpacking everything into the storage lockers (three, to be exact), I already had a bed waiting for me that I didn't have to unpack and make. It was just there.

And THAT, my dear friends, was a much needed blessing. Thanks, Mom. I'll cook dinner for a month, just for that.

Gimme a B...O...X

So, now that I want to get this thing going again, I've decided to move my family...yes, again...to Idaho! :) It's actually been months of thought and prayer and struggle. I hate moving. Scratch that. I loath packing. Let's admit, packing is the awful part!! Plus, since we have to be out of this place by the end of next week, we will be living with my parents for a few weeks until we find something suitable, so all of our things will be in storage. So, having things in the appropriate boxes is crucial! I hate that kind of pressure!! All this thinking about moving started back in December. Though I love the hugeness of this place, I don't really feel "home" here (here being house, neighborhood, city...). I can't describe it other than that. I just don't feel like we are where we need to be. That, and I really want to be closer to my family. So, we finally found someone who will take over our lease and we're heading north! I never thought I'd say I'm excited to move back to Pocatello...but I also said I'd never live in Utah county...so I'm gonna stop saying things I'd never do, because they all have come true (there are others, too, but I don't want to repeat them!!) :) I am excited to be closer to my family and some old and dear friends! See you on the flip side!

My trip to Manti

What did I do with an entire Saturday all to myself? I loaded my fam in the car, sans working DVD player...youduv thought the girls were going to DIE without a movie to watch! "Oh the travesty!" were Eliza's actual words. I got a good laugh, but I think she was serious...

I packed snacks, coloring books, paper, activity books, crayons (2 packs!), and not even 10 minutes into our drive, they "had nothing to do!" The world is coming to an end. "How long is this drive?" Two hours. "TWO HOURS?? What am I supposed to doooo? No iPad, no DS...sigh" I guess you could just stare out the window...but there are lots of activities in that book that look like fun...your choice.

After a few minutes, I heard rustling in the bag, little mouths chomping apple slices, paper being colored on, and all was quiet except the music. Even D and I were content sitting with the silence. I thought it was funny, D drives a semi truck all week, then on his day off, I make him drive a few more hours. But he assured me he doesn't mind driving our SUV, something about being able to drive faster than 30mph up a hill and no shifting...at least he didn't fall asleep.

It was a beautiful spring day, warm enough to be without jackets. As we headed east from Nephi, the drive was a lot more scenic. Even the girls enjoyed looking at the hills and farms, looking at the old houses as we passed through small towns. We finally arrived in Manti and could see the top of the temple poking up above the trees. The old houses were adorable; Main Street had a Candy shoppe (where I spent $13.00 without batting an eye) and a good 'ole diner with homemade doughnuts and buns!! Mmmmm that was good!

The last time I was here was for the Mormon Miracle Pageant when I was 9, so I pretty much didn't remember anything. But this time, it was to be with my cousin to see her and her husband and baby girl be sealed as a family for eternity. Always a good time.

While we were in the temple (for two hours!) admiring all the pioneer craftsmanship, the girls were being entertained by another cousin. Apparently, they had loads of fun and were the center of the volunteer's attentions because our party was the only one there! After the session, we took pictures (my uncle took some really awesome ones!), went to the diner for some good eats, then headed home.

There was no complaining, no asking how long or what can I do. Each of them grabbed a blanket and stared out the windows at the landscape and the setting sun. Before long, they were both asleep. D and I enjoyed the quiet ride home, listening to a story-time radio show about an Irish singer.

And that was my day...did I learn anything? Aside from being in the temple with an amazing historian...maybe.

1: It doesn't matter how many activities or treats you pack, there will never be enough to do.
2: Old towns are amazing to visit, but I'm always glad to go home.
3: The local diner always has the best food.
4: Being active before a long drive helps everyone.
5: Family really is everything.

"We were on a BRAKE!!"

I had the TV on while I was straightening up the downstairs and working on the computer the other day. It was the episode of "Friends" where Rachel decides Ross is too overwhelming and she wants to take a break. It's an episode where it's so uncomfortable to watch because you know what happens at the end but you can't keep yourself from watching!

Like when Rachel is pining for Ross after he stormed out and she's tried to call him and he wasn't home. Then, Mark calls and comes over trying to "cheer up" Rachel. But you almost gasp when Rachel's phone rings because you know it's Ross and you KNOW he's going to hear Mark... (sigh)...and then he hangs up :( Oh man. Yeah that would be awful. Team Ross!!

But, as I was watching all that, know what I was noticing?? How differently all of that would have gone if they had cell phones. Ross called Rachel from a Pay Phone for goodness sake! Interesting...after Rachel had some time to calm down, she would have been able to get a hold of Ross and he would have run back to her before Mark even had a chance to call. But that doesn't make good TV ratings, apparently.

Heck, they might've done it all through texts!

Then again, maybe not. Have you ever sent a "wrong message" with a text? I'm not talking about spelling errors, but those are funny, too. I mean when you text a message and even with a "smiley face" at the end, the receiver still doesn't get the idea you were hoping for. It can even happen with emails!

So, with all this technology, we can still mess things up or get the wrong message. Lesson: Never trust to something else what you want from your relationship. We are relational beings and no amount of texts or smiley faces can make up for a real conversation or physical attention. Unless your husband is a long-haul truck driver... then every "smiley face" is a big deal :) And so are weekends!

Grab a drink and get comfy...

I was introduced to an article written in January from a friend's blog here (article she referenced is here). Both are great pieces. Please read them then come back to read the rest of my post. It will make more sense to you that way :)

Both the article and my friend's comments about the topic were so fascinating to read! They both really made me think...about blogging, about being a mother, about creativity, about loads of stuff. I loved how the author of the article was fascinated with reading about Mormon women and I loved how Stephanie's straight forward, tell-it-like-it-is style comes out. No criticism, just truth. Loved it, Steph and I don't think I told you that. Nice job.

Anyway, after I read both of those pieces, and did some soul thinking, I moved on with the rest of whatever it was that I was doing that day. So, basically, I did nothing with it. I wasn't doing anything with my blog at that time and just had no interest or energy to do anything. I didn't know what, at the time, that I wanted to do with it, but whatever it would have been, I didn't do it.

Then, today, I was going through my blog list and came across this post from MMB: here. You'll want to read that one, too. It basically follows up on the other ones. Fun stuff!

After reading the article Stephanie references, my thoughts were something like, "Wow, that's fun, that some random person is 'blog stocking' total strangers (who hasn't done that)? And, she really finds the difference in lifestyle interesting? There's no mocking, no teasing; she has genuine admiration for these women who seemingly have lovely homes and children and are willing to talk about the frustrations of each but stay so positive while doing it."

Yes, I've gone to random people's blogs, just reading what they have to say for a time, moving on to others, staying with some. But I loved when MMB said this when referencing why MMBs are different: "We choose to focus on the positive. We choose to take even the worst of days, and learn something from it." And that was exactly the way I felt after reading the first article, but couldn't figure out how to express it!

Yes, life sucks sometimes, but because of what I have learned for myself, what I want to believe, I have learned that there is always something to learn! That's one of the largest purposed of being here and living! And that keeps me hopeful. Even if I have to use medication sometimes :) I know I don't have to be perfect. That also has been a long lesson...

But it sure is fun to read about :)

Catching Up

So, what have YOU been up to these last few months? All interesting stuff, I'm sure. Christmas was fun, of course. And the New Year has, so far, brought so much change already!

Now, honestly, I love change. I embrace it. I really hate doing the same thing all the time. Sometimes, I get really crazy and change my laundry day...yeah. Crazy is my middle name. Seriously though, I really like to mix things up, and I've been feeling like that lately, like something needs to change...something's not quite right. I don't feel like I'm 'home' if that makes sense.

So, we're still renting, and I wanted to move here to a) get out of that tiny 2 bedroom place and b) enjoy more space :) As great as this place is, I still don't feel like we as a family are where we need to be. And, as much as I love change, I loath moving. Why do I keep doing it, you ask? Good question. And don't think I'm not thinking about the kids. It will just give them more to talk about with their therapist.

D and I have some planning in the works and he has a job interview shortly, so that will determine where we will go next. Either way, maybe the kids can learn to find adventure in things. And hopefully we can stay there a long time...

Leaving can be theraputic...

...so can Returning.
Life kind of got away from me for a while, and I kind of just shut down. Well, not completely shut down, but I was on 'survivor mode' and am still working on crawling out of that.
Don't worry, everyone is safe. I have just, once again, spread myself too thin. And the blog was the first to fall by the wayside :) The next thing on the chopping block... probably Girl Scouts, as fun as it is...
I'm not gonna bore you with details about how my huge house is too overwhelming (even though I love retreating to the basement with a plate of nachos and watching my dvr programs) or how I was wedged into being the full time Girl Scout Troop Leader or that sometimes the clean laundry sits in baskets in the girls' bedroom for days before we get it put away. Yeah, I'm not gonna make you read all that stuff.
But, I do want to share something, even if I'm the only one that needs to read it (but I doubt it).
Guilt is not something to hold on to. It is supposed to be felt, dealt with and let go.
There. Done. Moving on.
Speaking of moving on...Wow, I have so much to tell you, my precious Blog! We've missed so much time together, but really, nothing on the outside is new. And yet, so much of me is new!! I can't wait to get it all out! It's gonna take some time, though, because I've realized that I can't do everything right now, today. Even now I'm multi-tasking at work :) hehehe as the laundry still sits at home, unfolded...but I'm okay with that for now because the girls will help me do it tomorrow.