I'm finding at the end of the day (right now it is just before noon, this is how pent up I am) that there is so much on my mind, but I have no outlet. I have no one to talk to and just unload everything that is on my mind, what I did that day, what I didn't do, frustrations, insecurities, hopes, dreams, fears, ect., so it just stays bottled up. Sure, that happens, and one person can't be my only sounding board, just like I don't want to set everything down here, for everyone to eventually see and read, or whoever cares to read through all this :)
Though I want to find a way to let these thoughts and feelings and emotions out, I also want it read in an entertaining and thought-provoking mannor, not just emmisis all over the page. I want it to look nice, to entice emotions, or to be inspiring in a way, or mildly humorous, if that's not too much to ask.
So I wait.
I wait until I have an expericence to share or weeks to catch up on...but my life isn't all that exciting...it's rather mundane if you ask me. Sure, I'm in grad school and I'm a single Mom and I have two very energetic daughters and I help take care of an ailing mother and I try to give health advice that no one seems to listen to anyway :) but all in all? At the end of the day, I'm just tired and usually don't want to make dinner, just like almost every other Mom, single or not. I could go off on a chore tangent, but I won't because that's not the point, and that would be a fun post for another day.
So, last night, I did something different. I talked to my kids. Now, this partially works because they are older, 14 and 10 right now, so they can listen and have some input. I wasn't really looking for input, I just wanted to tell someone that wasn't a phone or a computer SOMETHING; just talk. Also, I'm not talking about sharing with my kids weights of the world or asking relashonship advice or anything else that would require another ADULT or be innapropriate for a child, but I figured just sharing about my day and a few things that were frustrating me with school finishing up, I thought they could handle those topics. I didn't have an agenda; I didn't know exactly what I was going to say, I just started out with: I've been having a rough week; would you mind listening for a few minutes?
And do you know what???? It felt amazing! They were totally focused on what I was saying, patted my leg in reasurance, and even offered some pretty great advice: don't be so hard on yourself, Mom! We honestly really do enjoy eatting mac n' cheese with tuna, and we love making it for ourselves! I did give up a few months ago on preparing meals every day; so I keep frozen meals, even pizza (you'd think they died and gone to heaven when I brought home 2 frozen pizzas!!) and the girls fix themselves dinner 3 nights a week so I can focus on school. Meal prep will get resurrected in a few months when I am finally employeed again, but in the meantime I tell myself they are learning life skills. Anyway, the three of us had a great conversation about school stress - because all 3 of us are stressed about something with school right now! And I know that, as a parent, I should be having conversations like these with my kids, especially now they are getting older, but life... yeah...
So, last night, it was a good thing I was feeling alone in the world for a moment, because I was taken to a place where I should have been going a really long time ago. I think after Daryl died, all 3 of us just...went to our safe spaces...and literally stayed there. Lydia still doesn't like talking about Daryl, unless she is asking me questions, but at least we can bond over school. She knows she's smart like her Dad, and she really enjoys having that aspect of him, but she struggles with writing and we are working on a report right now and she hates it. Eliza has just been pushing everyone away and having a hard time making friends. She's done really well this year with friends, but last night she talked about a teacher that is frustrating her. They have no idea all that is frustrating about doing a 20+ page research paper on medical ethics and the national opiod crisis, but the 20 pages gets their attention and they can be sympathic with that.
Lesson: I am responsible for growing 2 small personalities that will eventually need to be self-sustaining and preferablly positive contributors to society. I need to be a part of that, not just watch it happen and hope for the best. They aren't small anymore; I missed so much of that, but I can't do that over again. What I CAN do is be present for what's left. They are both such beautiful and amazing people, inspite of what I haven't been able to influence. And FUNNY!! Oh my goodness, every day I am laughing.
Every. Single. Day. I guess I haven't messed up too bad...there is still time.