More Every Day

​I'm finding at the end of the day (right now it is just before noon, this is how pent up I am) that there is so much on my mind, but I have no outlet. I have no one to talk to and just unload everything that is on my mind, what I did that day, what I didn't do, frustrations, insecurities, hopes, dreams, fears, ect., so it just stays bottled up. Sure, that happens, and one person can't be my only sounding board, just like I don't want to set everything down here, for everyone to eventually see and read, or whoever cares to read through all this :)

Though I want to find a way to let these thoughts and feelings and emotions out, I also want it read in an entertaining and thought-provoking mannor, not just emmisis all over the page. I want it to look nice, to entice emotions, or to be inspiring in a way, or mildly humorous, if that's not too much to ask.

So I wait. 

I wait until I have an expericence to share or weeks to catch up on...but my life isn't all that exciting...it's rather mundane if you ask me. Sure, I'm in grad school and I'm a single Mom and I have two very energetic daughters and I help take care of an ailing mother and I try to give health advice that no one seems to listen to anyway :) but all in all? At the end of the day, I'm just tired and usually don't want to make dinner, just like almost every other Mom, single or not. I could go off on a chore tangent, but I won't because that's not the point, and that would be a fun post for another day.

So, last night, I did something different. I talked to my kids. Now, this partially works because they are older, 14 and 10 right now, so they can listen and have some input. I wasn't really looking for input, I just wanted to tell someone that wasn't a phone or a computer SOMETHING; just talk. Also, I'm not talking about sharing with my kids weights of the world or asking relashonship advice or anything else that would require another ADULT or be innapropriate for a child, but I figured just sharing about my day and a few things that were frustrating me with school finishing up, I thought they could handle those topics. I didn't have an agenda; I didn't know exactly what I was going to say, I just started out with: I've been having a rough week; would you mind listening for a few minutes?

And do you know what???? It felt amazing! They were totally focused on what I was saying, patted my leg in reasurance, and even offered some pretty great advice: don't be so hard on yourself, Mom! We honestly really do enjoy eatting mac n' cheese with tuna, and we love making it for ourselves! I did give up a few months ago on preparing meals every day; so I keep frozen meals, even pizza (you'd think they died and gone to heaven when I brought home 2 frozen pizzas!!) and the girls fix themselves dinner 3 nights a week so I can focus on school. Meal prep will get resurrected in a few months when I am finally employeed again, but in the meantime I tell myself they are learning life skills. Anyway, the three of us had a great conversation about school stress - because all 3 of us are stressed about something with school right now! And I know that, as a parent, I should be having conversations like these with my kids, especially now they are getting older, but life... yeah...

So, last night, it was a good thing I was feeling alone in the world for a moment, because I was taken to a place where I should have been going a really long time ago.  I think after Daryl died, all 3 of us just...went to our safe spaces...and literally stayed there. Lydia still doesn't like talking about Daryl, unless she is asking me questions, but at least we can bond over school. She knows she's smart like her Dad, and she really enjoys having that aspect of him, but she struggles with writing and we are working on a report right now and she hates it. Eliza has just been pushing everyone away and having a hard time making friends. She's done really well this year with friends, but last night she talked about a teacher that is frustrating her. They have no idea all that is frustrating about doing a 20+ page research paper on medical ethics and the national opiod crisis, but the 20 pages gets their attention and they can be sympathic with that. 

Lesson: I am responsible for growing 2 small personalities that will eventually need to be self-sustaining and preferablly positive contributors to society. I need to be a part of that, not just watch it happen and hope for the best. They aren't small anymore; I missed so much of that, but I can't do that over again. What I CAN do is be present for what's left. They are both such beautiful and amazing people, inspite of what I haven't been able to influence. And FUNNY!! Oh my goodness, every day I am laughing. 

Every. Single. Day. I guess I haven't messed up too bad...there is still time.

I'm ready...

...but I don't know where to begin.

Starting any relationship is scary and takes a bit of faith to leap into. But going into something with the potential for re-marriage and blending two families (again, but with older children this time), that isn't something to be taken lightly.

And I didn't. He didn't. We spent many prayers and temple trips both alone and together. We wanted to make sure that this would be the best thing for our families. Blending any family has challenges. But, when disabilities are added into the mix, things become even more challenging. We thought we were doing everything right. We spent time together, both alone and with our children together. We both had concerns, but hopes as well. We wanted to be successful. We had a plan...

Bottom line: you never know how things will be until you are IN the permanent living situation.

The Truth: I allowed myself to get caught up in thinking I needed someone else to "fix"  my family. I started thinking how nice it would be to have a partner. I didn't see how much my girls needed ME. I thought if they had a father-figure, they would feel better. Also, I was forced to face my difficulties with anxiety, and that it wasn't being managed and both of our families were suffering.

He has a beautiful family with wonderfully loving and accepting children. We did have some fun times. But all of the children struggled in finding their new places. That was to be expected. But I had to draw the line at anger and hurtful words towards mine. There was so much contention. Also, I wasn't able to take care of four more children with disabilities and different challenges. I could see I was loosing Eliza. Lydia was crying all the time, blaming the contention on herself, saying that if she hadn't told me to get on the dating website that we would never be in that situation.

I made a decision, based on both anxiety and determination (I know now, guided by the Spirit), to make MY GIRLS my priority, not someone else's children, no matter how much I loved him. It had to happen fast. School was about to start and I didn't want them to have to start two new schools. So I had to leave, right then.

I know I broke his heart and I know he is disappointed. It kills me to think about it. I'm disappointed in myself, that I allowed it to go as far as it did. I just kept thinking it would get better, that we could make it work. We've talked about a dozen things we could have or should have done differently, but hindsight is 20/20 of course.

After being back in Idaho for a few weeks, I struggled with the idea of going back and trying again, being on new medication, I thought it would be possible. But, I started seeing changes in the girls...parts of their personalities I haven't seen in a long time. They miss having their Dad, and I can't just pick someone to take his place. But I can offer all of me to them. And that's what has been missing...Me. And it took a crazy summer and a mental break down to figure this out. I've been so busy for YEARS, just trying to keep everything together, that I lost focus on what my real responsibility is. I missed so much of their childhood because I was so focused on providing for the family and taking care of their Dad, that I didn't have a chance to just be "Mom." Oh, sure, I loved them and took care of booboos and coughs and fevers, school lunches and homework. But I never had cuddle-time or story time or special time, to build those relationships. They didn't deserve to loose me to another male in the name of "a new family." They just need Me.

So, now, I didn't get another job, I cut back my school classes, and we live frugally on a student loan balances and social security survivor benefits, in a small apartment. I'm working with a counselor and PA regarding my anxiety. My family has already noticed a difference. I've noticed a difference. My thyroid is still out of balance, and I'm working on that, too, but I feel so much more "normal" than even a year ago, much like my old self. There are fewer tears, from all of us. Eliza interacts with us all more. She is excelling in school, where she was struggling or lacking motivation before. She is becoming more confident in her talents. Lydia is trying hard to be more positive. She hugs me every day. She loves her teacher at school and in primary. They both have friends. They are smiling every day.

He still is a wonderful man. But this was the best decision. Not easy or clean, but the best. I am peaceful.




P.S. It will be remembered as the most expensive birthday party I will ever have and I love all of you who were willing to come celebrate with me :)

My Dancers and another Lesson

Last time we went to Poky, my Dad signed the girls up for a Dance Clinic with the university's Bangle Dancers. They had a 3 hour dance class (with treats!! I think they were more excited about the Go-gurts...). Then, that night, with their cute t-shirts, we all went to the women's basketball game so we could watch the girls dance during Half-time!

Thanks, Dad! They loved it!

Belle is a natural performer :) Lydia is at the age where dancing around is still fun but she's still a little shy. Good thing she had Belle to watch and dance with!! Eliza, on the other hand, had some reservations at first, and is at a vulnerable age where other people's opinions are almost everything. She actually didn't want to go to the clinic. I forced her to go, trying to be positive, but it was one of those moments where, as a parent, you know that it will be good for her.

Then, after we dropped them off and were leaving, I was looking through a window at her, wondering if I did the right thing, worrying that if she really didn't like being with all those other kids...watching all the dancing girls and seeing my daughter move awkwardly and self-consciously...thinking "Is this really best for her, forcing her?"

I started to tear up (I know, I know) but decided to leave, knowing that dancing with a bunch of girls, while potentially dangerous (c'mon, we all know how little girls can be hurtful at times when someone doesn't fit in), I figured it would be something I could help her recover from. And, if it was disastrous, I wouldn't make her do the program that night.

There. Dilemma solved.

So, Teresa and I had fun doing my hair :) Then, we went to pick up the girls and go out to lunch. Much to my enjoyment, they couldn't stop talking about the dancing and the teachers! Yeah them! Yeah me! Okay, sometimes I do know what I'm doing with my children. Sometimes I yell, sometimes I let them watch too much TV, sometimes we have cold cereal for dinner, and then sometimes I lovingly make my children do something out of their comfort zone, knowing they will be stronger for it.

That night, at the game, our girls saw some of the Bangle Dancers walking around and they'd call out "There's my teacher! Mom, there's my teacher!" All three of them were actually excited to start their program. If Eliza was nervous, she didn't show it. Then, she was dancing with a smile :) and that made me smile (and cry, but you all knew that).

The best "it" word ever!

Eliza: Mom, if you had a word like "uck" but you put an F with it...(her voice trails off)
Me: Yes...?
Eliza: Well, what does that mean?

So she and I are having a much too adult conversation about rude words and a very very simplistic definition of the "f-word" and why it's inappropriate to never ever use it.

Me: So that is the rudest word you could ever say.
Eliza: Well, the "G" word is the worst, or the "it" word is really bad. I don't ever want to say that word!
And as she walks out of the room, I hear Lydia say "it..." and saw the confused look on her face!

A memorable parenting moment followed by...a memorable moment :) Priceless

Parenthood, Disclosed

I don’t usually get into TV programs, well, not since Friends ended. That was 10 seasons of my life I will never get back. Seriously, though, I won’t turn the channel if I come across a re-run, even if I’ve seen it 10 times.

Anyway, my interests go in and out, mostly because I don’t have time to sit and watch every show I’d like to. Now, DVR has totally changed my TV viewing experience (but that’s another post). Today I want to get into WHY I was YELLING at the TV (well, more the actors) the other night.

The new series on NBC, Parenthood, piked my interest so I DVR’d the pilot after the Olympics and watched it a few days later. OMGoodness, wow. It was a whole new TV viewing experience. And that, coupled with the whole DVR…? I was rendered speechless. I had just watched a TV program about a family with every aspect of dysfunctional…there wasn’t a parental character that I couldn’t relate to. I guess the single music-producer son who’s afraid of commitment doesn’t really sing to me, but the others: the working mom and her parenting struggles, the single mom trying to get back on her feet, the wife who tries to be a peacemaker with her in-law family…I could go on. You get it. I’m addicted to this show.

So, the episode last week, the two cousins who are going to the same high school, are not talking because Amber (the older one) told Hattie (the younger one) not to be so quick to sleep with her (Hattie’s) boyfriend. So, Hattie was feeling pressure from her boyfriend to be intimate so she broke up with him. Amber was totally supportive. But, Amber gets a new job…at the country club…where said boyfriend’s family frequents…they inadvertently have a “connection,” one thing leads to another. Yeah. Amber feels terrible and decides to tells Hattie and is crying, repulsed with herself, trying to apologize to her. Hattie wants none of the apology and walks off. Later, Hattie’s friends are teasing Amber, making fun of her, calling her nice names I’m sure you can think of, please don’t make me type them :) Amber has had enough, tells Hattie that Steve had a connection with her (Amber) that he never had with Hattie. They start fighting, like girls, but they are on the ground and both get taken into the principal’s office and parents are called. Amber’s mom is the single one, trying to start over. Amber’s had her share of trouble. Hattie is considered the “good one.” Hattie tells their parents “Amber told me to break up with Steve, and then she slept with him” and runs off.

What REALLY gets me is that HATTIE BROKE UP WITH STEVE!! I know there is an unwritten law that friends (probably including cousins) don’t date/sleep with ex-boyfriends of friends/family. But Hattie’s mom is almost more upset about the situation than Hattie. AND, Hattie’s parents are blaming Amber’s mom! Well, Amber, too, but they told Susan that she needs to “deal” with it! Excuse me, but what ever happened to, “That really sucks, honey, but maybe you and Steve weren’t a great match.” What would be wrong with that?? Instead of causing a family rift over a 15 year old NOT SLEEPING WITH HER BOYFRIEND, they get mad at the other family…

Sigh…I was yelling at Adam and Christine (Hattie’s parents) what I would have said if I were in Susan’s shoes. That, and Grow Up! It would take too long to type, but you get the idea.

Wow. I was so worked up I had a hard time going to sleep. It’s just so frustrating how sometimes not everyone is willing to look at the other side of the situation. Yeah, it looks really bad, but really? Really? Can we get over ourselves and move on please? Your life isn’t the only thing that’s important. Maybe that’s why I was so upset. Hattie’s parents weren’t willing to see, even ask the other side of the story, or even acknowledge the fact that Hattie BROKE UP WITH HIM! Good heavens. :) Can't wait for next season!! And yes, I will totally DVR it!

Oh, No she DIDN'T!

A friend of mine has a private blog, to keep us all updated with their growing family in the wiles of the wild Wyoming west :) No, really. They really live in the middle of nowhere, in Wyoming. Actually, right now, I would love that kind of solitude. And they do.

Anyway, I was commenting on one of her posts about how some lady actually said out loud to my friend a bunch of ignorant stuff about being a stay-at-home Mom and how "it's not as demanding as teaching (she's apparently a substitute teacher)." Say whaa?? Yeah, so I'm sending positive words to my friend who not only chooses to stay home to raise her babies, but also home schools her 2nd grade son and is now doing preschool with their 4year old daughter, plus, she has a toddler and is prego with another! Not as demanding...humph! Good heavens!

So, my point was, E was praising me one night for the dinner I had made. She said she was so glad that I loved her so much to make such nice things for her. Her words. It totally took me by surprise; not the concept, but the fact that she put "cooking" and "love for her" together! I hugged her and told her that's exactly why I love cooking; because I get to see other people enjoy something I created, just for them. It was a neat moment.

Nope, I wouldn't give mothering up for anything!

What Happened to September??

Where did the month go?

We started the month with another move to an even smaller apartment (with a bigger storage shed) closer to D's parents. D's still having health problems that are interfering with school so he's going to take a break.

Now, the leaves are changing. We enjoyed a beautiful ride up the canyon Sunday evening, even though the warm weather is still holding on. Well, I should say D and I enjoyed the ride. E's been sick with a cold so I thought she'd enjoy getting out for a bit. Apparently, looking a leaves is "boring" and it all ended up with her getting carsick on the way back down the canyon. To her defense, though, when I was younger, looking at leaves wasn't on the top of my list either, but I don't ever remember actually telling my parents exactly how miserable I was. She doesn't hold anything back.

Now, October is looming and so are the costumes...(sigh)

The party season is starting early. I better catch up and loose the cold!!

Teaching Moment In A Blink

Last Sunday, I was getting ready for church and E came in and announced she wouldn't be going to church today. I wasn't really surprised, just more annoyed because she tells me this every week. I'm getting so tired of this argument/discussion. I don't want it to be an argument and I don't want her to hate being dragged to church. I want her to WANT to go, but my frustration is finding a way to get her to that point.

So, I asked her, "Do you know what the most important reason is that we go to church? Why do we even GO to church?"
"Why?" she replies, inquisitive.
And that was the beginning of a great conversation about the Sacrament and why we take the Sacrament.

Then, "What are the commandments?"

Really? My heart sank. My own child is 7 years old and doesn't know the commandments, I thought to myself.

"Who is Satan?" she continues, after I mention that the Holy Ghost helps protect us from him.

I have a great story, I said. I pulled out the scripture story picture books from the Old Testament. Before I even start the story, she looks at one picture and points to one of the men, "Oh yah, that's him. He just doesn't look nice." Then, I found the story about Moses and the 10 Commandments. I read each one then went to explain it in 7 year old language, but before I could finish the explanation, she would already be explaining it to me. The only one she didn't know was Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery. :) Yeah, we aren't suppose to touch or look at other people's private parts. She took it (phew!!)

And that was it; it was over, her interest had waned. But, there was no more arguing, no more dragging feet, no more tears. I realized that her questions weren't because of a lack of teaching, but more of a desire for knowledge, details. She knew the information, just wasn't famliar with the phrasing. Having her ask questions is great, because then I can make sure she has the right information. The point is, to be available for more of those teaching moments that can pass by in a Blink!

It Really Happened

The girls were playing in their room (this sentence could lead us in sooo many different directions, however...). I hear a soft thump, a muffled snivel, a muffled thud then the culmination of cries while both hollering, MOM!

I waited, seeing if my presence was really necessary. L, all the same, felt obliged to insist on my company.

I never know who's telling the right story. E insists she's not at fault; L doesn't understand how to not-lie (as evidenced by myself witnessing a hit then she'll turn right around and tell me she didn't do it). So, this particular time, L is holding her arm, saying E hit her; E insists she fell of the chair (which could have been true; she likes to stand on it). I wasn't mad, but I sat down on the floor with them and put L in my lap and rocked her, because she was crying.

As I'm trying to talk with them about what to do next, laughing at the chaos that is their bedroom, E looked at me and said, "You love her more than me."

Seriously?

She was tears-in-her-eyes, completely serious.

It's easy to snuggle with little ones; you can pick them up and hold them. Bigger ones are difficult to physically maneuver (ie: toss in the air, fling over your shoulder, hang upside down, carry in your arms). I can see where she might get that. When I sat down, L was closer and smaller, so I grabbed her. Sometimes you just can't win.

But I learned a lesson (actually, I've been thinking about it but that day it was just thrown in my face with a brick) They are old enough that I need to start spending one-on-one time with each of them, especially since I'm gone so much during the week and weekends are crammed with "family time" (and that is a very loose translation, since I am sometimes called back into work).

Wow. Time for some Big Girl Bonding Time.

A Moment As A Parent...

...when you think, "That could have gone better..."

Me: Can . We . Fix It?

L: No . We . Can't!

Me: Really?

L: Nope...it's not funny, Mama.

Okay... let's move on then...