20 October 2015

This will get messy before it gets better...

I should be writing a paper for my class, but I can't get these thoughts out of my head, so I found myself here today.

Looking back, I really should have kept this blog going, if only for myself as a way to not keep inside everything that is trying to leap from me right now. 

To say "life has run away with me" right now is laughable, because where do I start? Do I pick up from my last post of 29 months ago??? I guess I could try, but that might be counter-productive. Who wants to re-live some of their darkest days? Good heavens...

Actually, those days are what have brought me back to this page. Even if no one reads this, I have it written down for myself, when writing helps clear my head and cleanse my emotions. I've realized from months of therapy over the last few years, that holding onto emotions is detrimental, and if writing helps me express my emotions, other than simply crying when I feel overwhelmed, then that is what I should do.

So, in that spirit of expressing emotions, let me start by saying how much I hate October :) Sigh...I feel better already! Now, I absolutely am in LOVE with fall and changing leaves and school starting again and sweaters and hot drinks (chai tea anyone??). But the specific month of October I can do without. I'll explain...

Halloween is annoying. I've never enjoyed it. I've also never been into make-believe, so costumes and dressing-up are equally annoying. I don't mind the cute kiddo costumes, but I hate seeing all the gory, haunting, scary aspects of Halloween. And then there is the "buying of the candy that I will just give away to strangers, just to have it all come home again from my own kiddos..." Candy, candy, candy, blah, blah, blah... Sigh...can I just cover my eyes and pretend it will all just go away?

Now, aside from Halloween (don't get me started again), there is "Breast Cancer Awareness Month." Which sounds great, but (and I'm going to complain here, so be warned) even though I realize the importance of bringing awareness to cancer (of all kinds), Cancer is once again thrown in my face and I am forced to remember everything Cancer took away from me. It is so overwhelming sometimes, to think of that list, what I lost because of Cancer, it brings me to tears. Huge tears. And October is a huge part of that. And I can't stand pink. Don't get me started on how much money raised from all the "pink" athletic items DOES NOT even go toward cancer research. Those companies have so much overhead, it's disgusting...I'll leave it at that.

Actually, every morning when I wake up and every night when I lay down to go to sleep, and every time I look at my children, every time they cry because they miss their Dad, and any time I look at anything around me, I'm reminded of what Cancer took from me. So, I don't know why I am picking on October. I guess it is because during the rest of the year, I can keep these thoughts and memories tucked safely inside the back of my mind and only pull them out when I want to hold them or even pull out the happy memories. But thanks to October and "Cancer Awareness Month" with Cancer struggles and stories are all over, my safe memories are ripped out again, where it's hard to control them and things can get messy. I don't like messy.

Now, after literally dumping my awful "Cancer" feelings all over this page, I want to leave you with those things I've received in spite of Cancer (because I normally try to be a positive person):
*Happy memories
*Two beautiful daughters
*A desire to learn 
*Empathy (and more tears)
*A desire to be healthy
*Knowledge that cancer doesn't have to win
*Chemotherapy does not kill cancer
*Knowledge that families can be together forever
*Daryl still touches my heart
*The love of my Savior

Sigh, now I can probably get back to studying. :) Thanks for listening. I love my computer.