I've typed enough for school tonight, but I feel like I need to keep typing something. It's been a while...too long.
I'm listening to a song on repeat right now, and it's come up quite frequently on my playlist lately, bringing back so many memories, I guess I need to write it down...When this song came out, Daryl was in the ICU, in a coma, intubated, and the doctors were trying to figure out a new tumor and if it was pressing on his spinal cord or pharynx. He was in a drug-induced coma for over a week. All I could do was sit by his bed. I started crocheting a baby blanket to pass the time...and listening to music. This song, "I won't give up," (Jason Mraz), one of the only songs I like by this artist, helped me find strength and understanding even I didn't know I had. This song made me change my attitude about Daryl and his cancer. I spent so much time trying to not be resentful toward him; it was taking a toll on our relationship, and I knew it, but I had a hard time getting past it. But that week in the ICU, being literally totally alone, just me watching him sleep...how could I be angry and resentful toward him...just a big teddy bear? Yes, he could be difficult and stubborn, but I was proving to be the same. More often than not, he just wanted to hug me, and I'm not proud to say more than a few times, I pushed him away, trying to deal with my own issues...alone instead of together.
But that week, listening to this song (among others), something changed...I saw him as someone just trying to fight...fight for himself, fighting for us, fighting for everyone telling him what an inspiration he was to them...I started wanting to fight for us, for our relationship. I was tired of all the fighting, all the nights alone, all the heated words for nothing. That was March 2012, while in the ICU the doctors found a brain tumor. We had 15 months of a relationship that I never knew existed, unconditional love and service...for both of us. We had that in the beginning, then life happened and we lost it in the negativity and selfishness of being stressed beyond belief. But I will always remember the answer to a prayer in a beeping ICU room, and the inspiration I was able to feel. I'm so grateful I had those last 15 months and still sad they passed so quickly.