Well, that escalated quickly...

So the last week has been a bit lazy, considering I have been traveling 2-3 days a week for the past year...but I have been able to do so many little projects around the house!! Curtains are up! Carpets have been vacuumed! New rugs and door mats have been laid out (so many pine needles from outside coming in!!!)! Hooks have been hung in various places! Snow is melting all over and there is water seeping into the basement, but the property's handyman is supposed to come tomorrow and "evaluate" the 70 year old foundation...I may just have to get a blower and keep it running 24/7 until we get past Spring...and there is mold, so...

But, Sunday was a good day. The lesson in RS was about having hope...it could be applied to many things, but basically hope in Christ, hope in the plan of salvation, hope in living like Christ. My first thought was the kind of hope Daryl had after his diagnosis of beating cancer and watching the children grow older, and how I had to pretend to have hope as well but I knew too much. I didn't want him to know what I knew, of course, but my view was clouded because of my understanding of both his type of cancer and his treatment options. Of course I didn't know exactly how long he had before the cancer would overtake him, but I knew it wasn't too many years.

I wanted to share that experience in RS that day...but I didn't. I worry that people will be annoyed if I share too many of those lessons I learned while my husband suffered and tried to stay strong; l worry that they will think, "Oh good heavens, haven't you talked enough about your dead husband already? It's been almost 4 years, for crying out loud." Maybe not. Either way, those lessons were for me, I guess...but a part of me feels like if I can share what I experienced, maybe it will touch someone else who didn't have to go through that? Other wise, what was it all for?? For me to just shell it all up in a nice book, never to read or touch again because it's too painful? Who wants to hear these stories? Who wants to read these lessons? They are good memories for me, but it feels like there should be more to it! For the girls to read when they are older? Maybe...probably...(long pause...)

Oh, wow. Am I supposed to write a book??? (super...long...pause...while I stare at my computer screen...)

I could do it like journal or blog entries... can I remember back that far? I have my journals, and my blog archives, and the rest just fill in as I go...

Holy crap, this is terrifying...who would buy a book by me?  Maybe I won't sell it; maybe it's just for us. But, what do I have to tell that hasn't already been told?? That life goes on after cancer? Lots of people talk about that...that life can go on after being left behind?? So many people, with actual facebook and twitter followers, are showing that (and some are making a ton of money off it!!). What is my motivation? Getting all of these memories out of my head and into a permanant place?? Giving them a purpose? A purpose...that all of that suffering (and forever pain, even if it's small) will have a purpose...​

I have absolutely no idea...but it HAS to come out. They WANT to come out; they are TRYING to come out, but there is no place for them...

Well, I have 2-3 months before I actually start working...I've got nothing but time...

OMG I just talked myself into writing a freaking book...

Music

I've typed enough for school tonight, but I feel like I need to keep typing something. It's been a while...too long.

I'm listening to a song on repeat right now, and it's come up quite frequently on my playlist lately, bringing back so many memories, I guess I need to write it down...When this song came out, Daryl was in the ICU, in a coma, intubated, and the doctors were trying to figure out a new tumor and if it was pressing on his spinal cord or pharynx. ​He was in a drug-induced coma for over a week. All I could do was sit by his bed. I started crocheting a baby blanket to pass the time...and listening to music. This song, "I won't give up," (Jason Mraz), one of the only songs I like by this artist, helped me find strength and understanding even I didn't know I had. This song made me change my attitude about Daryl and his cancer. I spent so much time trying to not be resentful toward him; it was taking a toll on our relationship, and I knew it, but I had a hard time getting past it. But that week in the ICU, being literally totally alone, just me watching him sleep...how could I be angry and resentful toward him...just a big teddy bear? Yes, he could be difficult and stubborn, but I was proving to be the same. More often than not, he just wanted to hug me, and I'm not proud to say more than a few times, I pushed him away, trying to deal with my own issues...alone instead of together. 

But that week, listening to this song (among others), something changed...I saw him as someone just trying to fight...fight for himself, fighting for us, fighting for everyone telling him what an inspiration he was to them...I started wanting to fight for us, for our relationship. I was tired of all the fighting, all the nights alone, all the heated words for nothing. That was March 2012, while in the ICU the doctors found a brain tumor. We had 15 months of a relationship that I never knew existed, unconditional love and service...for both of us. We had that in the beginning, then life happened and we lost it in the negativity and selfishness of being stressed beyond belief. But I will always remember the answer to a prayer in a beeping ICU room, and the inspiration I was able to feel. I'm so grateful I had those last 15 months and still sad they passed so quickly. 

Hug someone today...and don't give up.

I'm ready...

...but I don't know where to begin.

Starting any relationship is scary and takes a bit of faith to leap into. But going into something with the potential for re-marriage and blending two families (again, but with older children this time), that isn't something to be taken lightly.

And I didn't. He didn't. We spent many prayers and temple trips both alone and together. We wanted to make sure that this would be the best thing for our families. Blending any family has challenges. But, when disabilities are added into the mix, things become even more challenging. We thought we were doing everything right. We spent time together, both alone and with our children together. We both had concerns, but hopes as well. We wanted to be successful. We had a plan...

Bottom line: you never know how things will be until you are IN the permanent living situation.

The Truth: I allowed myself to get caught up in thinking I needed someone else to "fix"  my family. I started thinking how nice it would be to have a partner. I didn't see how much my girls needed ME. I thought if they had a father-figure, they would feel better. Also, I was forced to face my difficulties with anxiety, and that it wasn't being managed and both of our families were suffering.

He has a beautiful family with wonderfully loving and accepting children. We did have some fun times. But all of the children struggled in finding their new places. That was to be expected. But I had to draw the line at anger and hurtful words towards mine. There was so much contention. Also, I wasn't able to take care of four more children with disabilities and different challenges. I could see I was loosing Eliza. Lydia was crying all the time, blaming the contention on herself, saying that if she hadn't told me to get on the dating website that we would never be in that situation.

I made a decision, based on both anxiety and determination (I know now, guided by the Spirit), to make MY GIRLS my priority, not someone else's children, no matter how much I loved him. It had to happen fast. School was about to start and I didn't want them to have to start two new schools. So I had to leave, right then.

I know I broke his heart and I know he is disappointed. It kills me to think about it. I'm disappointed in myself, that I allowed it to go as far as it did. I just kept thinking it would get better, that we could make it work. We've talked about a dozen things we could have or should have done differently, but hindsight is 20/20 of course.

After being back in Idaho for a few weeks, I struggled with the idea of going back and trying again, being on new medication, I thought it would be possible. But, I started seeing changes in the girls...parts of their personalities I haven't seen in a long time. They miss having their Dad, and I can't just pick someone to take his place. But I can offer all of me to them. And that's what has been missing...Me. And it took a crazy summer and a mental break down to figure this out. I've been so busy for YEARS, just trying to keep everything together, that I lost focus on what my real responsibility is. I missed so much of their childhood because I was so focused on providing for the family and taking care of their Dad, that I didn't have a chance to just be "Mom." Oh, sure, I loved them and took care of booboos and coughs and fevers, school lunches and homework. But I never had cuddle-time or story time or special time, to build those relationships. They didn't deserve to loose me to another male in the name of "a new family." They just need Me.

So, now, I didn't get another job, I cut back my school classes, and we live frugally on a student loan balances and social security survivor benefits, in a small apartment. I'm working with a counselor and PA regarding my anxiety. My family has already noticed a difference. I've noticed a difference. My thyroid is still out of balance, and I'm working on that, too, but I feel so much more "normal" than even a year ago, much like my old self. There are fewer tears, from all of us. Eliza interacts with us all more. She is excelling in school, where she was struggling or lacking motivation before. She is becoming more confident in her talents. Lydia is trying hard to be more positive. She hugs me every day. She loves her teacher at school and in primary. They both have friends. They are smiling every day.

He still is a wonderful man. But this was the best decision. Not easy or clean, but the best. I am peaceful.




P.S. It will be remembered as the most expensive birthday party I will ever have and I love all of you who were willing to come celebrate with me :)

This will get messy before it gets better...

I should be writing a paper for my class, but I can't get these thoughts out of my head, so I found myself here today.

Looking back, I really should have kept this blog going, if only for myself as a way to not keep inside everything that is trying to leap from me right now. 

To say "life has run away with me" right now is laughable, because where do I start? Do I pick up from my last post of 29 months ago??? I guess I could try, but that might be counter-productive. Who wants to re-live some of their darkest days? Good heavens...

Actually, those days are what have brought me back to this page. Even if no one reads this, I have it written down for myself, when writing helps clear my head and cleanse my emotions. I've realized from months of therapy over the last few years, that holding onto emotions is detrimental, and if writing helps me express my emotions, other than simply crying when I feel overwhelmed, then that is what I should do.

So, in that spirit of expressing emotions, let me start by saying how much I hate October :) Sigh...I feel better already! Now, I absolutely am in LOVE with fall and changing leaves and school starting again and sweaters and hot drinks (chai tea anyone??). But the specific month of October I can do without. I'll explain...

Halloween is annoying. I've never enjoyed it. I've also never been into make-believe, so costumes and dressing-up are equally annoying. I don't mind the cute kiddo costumes, but I hate seeing all the gory, haunting, scary aspects of Halloween. And then there is the "buying of the candy that I will just give away to strangers, just to have it all come home again from my own kiddos..." Candy, candy, candy, blah, blah, blah... Sigh...can I just cover my eyes and pretend it will all just go away?

Now, aside from Halloween (don't get me started again), there is "Breast Cancer Awareness Month." Which sounds great, but (and I'm going to complain here, so be warned) even though I realize the importance of bringing awareness to cancer (of all kinds), Cancer is once again thrown in my face and I am forced to remember everything Cancer took away from me. It is so overwhelming sometimes, to think of that list, what I lost because of Cancer, it brings me to tears. Huge tears. And October is a huge part of that. And I can't stand pink. Don't get me started on how much money raised from all the "pink" athletic items DOES NOT even go toward cancer research. Those companies have so much overhead, it's disgusting...I'll leave it at that.

Actually, every morning when I wake up and every night when I lay down to go to sleep, and every time I look at my children, every time they cry because they miss their Dad, and any time I look at anything around me, I'm reminded of what Cancer took from me. So, I don't know why I am picking on October. I guess it is because during the rest of the year, I can keep these thoughts and memories tucked safely inside the back of my mind and only pull them out when I want to hold them or even pull out the happy memories. But thanks to October and "Cancer Awareness Month" with Cancer struggles and stories are all over, my safe memories are ripped out again, where it's hard to control them and things can get messy. I don't like messy.

Now, after literally dumping my awful "Cancer" feelings all over this page, I want to leave you with those things I've received in spite of Cancer (because I normally try to be a positive person):
*Happy memories
*Two beautiful daughters
*A desire to learn 
*Empathy (and more tears)
*Perseverance
*A desire to be healthy
*Knowledge that cancer doesn't have to win
*Chemotherapy does not kill cancer
*Friendships
*Knowledge that families can be together forever
*Daryl still touches my heart
*The love of my Savior

Sigh, now I can probably get back to studying. :) Thanks for listening. I love my computer.

Always a window...

I found out earlier this week that a friend from high school, a friend with whom much weekend and summer time was spent, passed away from unknown causes. She was a young, healthy woman and mother. My heart has been heavy, thinking of her and her little family.
Earlier this year, I found out that another friend from high school passed away after suffering a stroke. She also was young, otherwise healthy and a mother.

I have shed tears for both of them, well, for their families, and what they must be going through. What I am grateful for is knowing these two beautiful, strong women are again with a Heavenly Father who loves them very much. I am not sad for them. I do, however, not envy the struggles their children and families will face. But what also gives me comfort, in times like these, is believing that our loving Heavenly Father will not take something from us without giving us a way to cope, manage, grow, what ever you want to call it, a window.

I know because I've been there.
And I've loved both of these women.

"Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid." John 14:27

My Dancers and another Lesson

Last time we went to Poky, my Dad signed the girls up for a Dance Clinic with the university's Bangle Dancers. They had a 3 hour dance class (with treats!! I think they were more excited about the Go-gurts...). Then, that night, with their cute t-shirts, we all went to the women's basketball game so we could watch the girls dance during Half-time!

Thanks, Dad! They loved it!

Belle is a natural performer :) Lydia is at the age where dancing around is still fun but she's still a little shy. Good thing she had Belle to watch and dance with!! Eliza, on the other hand, had some reservations at first, and is at a vulnerable age where other people's opinions are almost everything. She actually didn't want to go to the clinic. I forced her to go, trying to be positive, but it was one of those moments where, as a parent, you know that it will be good for her.

Then, after we dropped them off and were leaving, I was looking through a window at her, wondering if I did the right thing, worrying that if she really didn't like being with all those other kids...watching all the dancing girls and seeing my daughter move awkwardly and self-consciously...thinking "Is this really best for her, forcing her?"

I started to tear up (I know, I know) but decided to leave, knowing that dancing with a bunch of girls, while potentially dangerous (c'mon, we all know how little girls can be hurtful at times when someone doesn't fit in), I figured it would be something I could help her recover from. And, if it was disastrous, I wouldn't make her do the program that night.

There. Dilemma solved.

So, Teresa and I had fun doing my hair :) Then, we went to pick up the girls and go out to lunch. Much to my enjoyment, they couldn't stop talking about the dancing and the teachers! Yeah them! Yeah me! Okay, sometimes I do know what I'm doing with my children. Sometimes I yell, sometimes I let them watch too much TV, sometimes we have cold cereal for dinner, and then sometimes I lovingly make my children do something out of their comfort zone, knowing they will be stronger for it.

That night, at the game, our girls saw some of the Bangle Dancers walking around and they'd call out "There's my teacher! Mom, there's my teacher!" All three of them were actually excited to start their program. If Eliza was nervous, she didn't show it. Then, she was dancing with a smile :) and that made me smile (and cry, but you all knew that).

Another Look at the Pitty Party

It's been a while since I've posted anything about cancer (or I guess, how cancer has been a part of my family) for some time now. Now I'm curious...this was my last post about The Cancer in our lives. Read and enjoy, but join us back here for the rest of the discussion. :)

Good and thank you for returning! :)

Now that everyone is caught up, I think I need some mental time with the concept again (deep breath) and that time is now, because I am sitting here...with time...and thoughts.

I think I purposefully haven't posted anything about The Cancer because it makes it seem too real...but it is real, isn't it? I can't just will it out of his life (who is also a part of mine). I guess I have to deal with it sometimes...only on My terms

**Hi. My name is Rachel and my husband was diagnosed with Cancer in 2007. He spent that year in and out of the hospital having 10 week-long rounds of chemotherapy every 5-6 weeks then had 30 days of radiation treatments. I started working full time in order to support the family and have insurance. Since February of 2008, we go through an emotional roller coaster every 3 months as we wait for MRI results. We look at every bump, worry about every pain, and I'm sure he looses more sleep over every detail, wondering...Is this it? Will it happen again?**

D had a thyroid scare last week and it will be biopsied next week, and I'm not too worried about that. But, in the same area as his first tumor, there is a "mass" that has been hanging out, soaking up contrast and dye and white cells for almost a year and has recently decided to enlarge itself. We've known about it; the doctors are 'watching' it. We found out this morning that it's gotten bigger. The oncologist wants to biopsy it; the surgeon wants to cut the damn thing out. We are waiting for the thyroid biopsy to see if parts of it need to be cut out too then do them both together.


Now what? Now what you ask? Dunno, I could make up a lot of things :) but we just have to wait. Then, of course, I always over-react and things are never as bad as you think it will be...except for that one time I told D, "Settle down, it's not cancer. What are the odds, I mean, really. People have head aches all the time. I love you; here's some ibuprofen." THAT ONE TIME.

In all seriousness, though, it probably will be nothing; an overactive thyroid, a fistula that is trying to start and just happens to be draining in that very spot in his neck...random collections of lymph nodes that are in the wrong place...really, nothing.
And now we have two weeks to think about it.

Thanks for letting me vent my feelings. Sometimes simply acknowledging the feelings allows them to be properly managed. And by properly managed I mean thrown into the air, twirled, caught, then tossed back into the corners of the mind where they can be once again filed for a fitting "When I have a spare moment" moment.

Now, on with life. Dinner is waiting and I believe I hear E reading a story to her little sister.

Where do we go from here?

And so we are coming up to the ending of another year gone by...gone by way too fast, if you ask me. Seriously, I remember being younger and hearing older people say the cliche's of "Time goes too fast...blah, blah, blah" and thinking, You have GOT to be kidding me!! Day after dreaded day of school, homework, studying...I couldn't wait to escape it all! But escape it to what? Getting a job? Starting relationships? Having children? Cleaning the house and laundry? Really?

What? No more Summer Vacation? Not even a Spring Break?

Now you're telling me I have to use Vacation Time for that?

deep cleansing breath.......and exhale! Okay, so sorry. That is all encroaching on an entirely different topic than what I was wanting to reference :)

Ya know what? I'll just go with it. I have another two weeks to talk about looking back and new ideas for next year. Plus, an idea just hit me so maybe by writing it down in cyberspace, I'll be able to have some new grasp on some of the "whys" of life :)

Rachel's Assessment To the Passing of Time:

I plan

Yup, that's it...I'm a planner, very little risk-taker (actually, one time I did take a risk and even with all my after-planning, it blew up in my face), but I can plan the begeezes out of anything. I credit that to my Dad and genetics (and OCD), and also to general schooling starting very young. We all remember homework, studying, social activities, fitting it all together. We are trained to plan, plan for today, tomorrow, money, the unexpected, emergencies (even though being 'prepared for children' seem like an oxymoron).

So, as I age and life starts happening, I start planning: planning for college, planning for a mission, planning on finishing college, planning a wedding, planning income, planning for the baby, planning to finish college before baby gets too big, planning for vacations, planning for baby's future, planning for a house...

Then that gets broken down into the daily/weekly/monthly activities that need planning :) A vicious cycle, from which I cannot brake the bands...and yet, it seems our lives would fall apart with out some sort of planning and balance and structure (ie: budgets, schedules, traffic lights).

So here I sit, just talked with D about going to Moab for the kid's Spring Break next April and we aren't even through Christmas yet! But we have to make reservations! :) And now I'm trying to figuring out the fine line between being organized and missing the whole life experience!

So it's finding the balance between organizing life and being able to enjoy the organization...organize, then enjoy the event before moving on!

This is simply written down for my personal visual imprint. Everyone enjoys and lives their lives the way they see fit. I am simply trying to tell myself to slow down, organize tomorrow but enjoy today before it's all just a memory. Maybe that will be my theme for next year...

Life Lessons

*The later you stay up the night before, the earlier your children will wake up the next morning.
*Restaurant/Fast food always looks better on TV
*No matter how many loads of laundry were done or batches of dishes washed or how fantastic dinner was today... you have to DO IT ALL AGAIN tomorrow :)
*Enjoy the little things. They pass by so fast!
*Good chocolate IS DEFINITELY worth the money!