Well, that escalated quickly...

So the last week has been a bit lazy, considering I have been traveling 2-3 days a week for the past year...but I have been able to do so many little projects around the house!! Curtains are up! Carpets have been vacuumed! New rugs and door mats have been laid out (so many pine needles from outside coming in!!!)! Hooks have been hung in various places! Snow is melting all over and there is water seeping into the basement, but the property's handyman is supposed to come tomorrow and "evaluate" the 70 year old foundation...I may just have to get a blower and keep it running 24/7 until we get past Spring...and there is mold, so...

But, Sunday was a good day. The lesson in RS was about having hope...it could be applied to many things, but basically hope in Christ, hope in the plan of salvation, hope in living like Christ. My first thought was the kind of hope Daryl had after his diagnosis of beating cancer and watching the children grow older, and how I had to pretend to have hope as well but I knew too much. I didn't want him to know what I knew, of course, but my view was clouded because of my understanding of both his type of cancer and his treatment options. Of course I didn't know exactly how long he had before the cancer would overtake him, but I knew it wasn't too many years.

I wanted to share that experience in RS that day...but I didn't. I worry that people will be annoyed if I share too many of those lessons I learned while my husband suffered and tried to stay strong; l worry that they will think, "Oh good heavens, haven't you talked enough about your dead husband already? It's been almost 4 years, for crying out loud." Maybe not. Either way, those lessons were for me, I guess...but a part of me feels like if I can share what I experienced, maybe it will touch someone else who didn't have to go through that? Other wise, what was it all for?? For me to just shell it all up in a nice book, never to read or touch again because it's too painful? Who wants to hear these stories? Who wants to read these lessons? They are good memories for me, but it feels like there should be more to it! For the girls to read when they are older? Maybe...probably...(long pause...)

Oh, wow. Am I supposed to write a book??? (super...long...pause...while I stare at my computer screen...)

I could do it like journal or blog entries... can I remember back that far? I have my journals, and my blog archives, and the rest just fill in as I go...

Holy crap, this is terrifying...who would buy a book by me?  Maybe I won't sell it; maybe it's just for us. But, what do I have to tell that hasn't already been told?? That life goes on after cancer? Lots of people talk about that...that life can go on after being left behind?? So many people, with actual facebook and twitter followers, are showing that (and some are making a ton of money off it!!). What is my motivation? Getting all of these memories out of my head and into a permanant place?? Giving them a purpose? A purpose...that all of that suffering (and forever pain, even if it's small) will have a purpose...​

I have absolutely no idea...but it HAS to come out. They WANT to come out; they are TRYING to come out, but there is no place for them...

Well, I have 2-3 months before I actually start working...I've got nothing but time...

OMG I just talked myself into writing a freaking book...