A Whole Month

A whole month has passed...wow. D is recovering from his surgery and we all are trying to adjust to his hearing loss. I now need to walk on his right side, because when I babel, as I tend to do while we walk, he can't hear me. I'm sure it wouldn't bother him, but when I ask for his opinion, I want to hear it. Problem is, he didn't hear the question. So I have to switch sides. He now puts the bird on his left shoulder, so when the damn bird squawks he isn't deafened (is that a word? Is now!).

Come to find out a few weeks ago, he has to have another surgery. More minor than the last, but apparently there wasn't enough healthy tissue removed. So, next week, he'll go under the knife again...BUT, before he goes, we are finally getting away for our Anniversary trip (that we had to post-pone because of the LAST surgery!)

Stanley, here we come!! So excited to get away and do nothing!! Then when I get back I'll post about something other than Cancer...promise :)

Cancer Surgery

D's surgery went "technically perfect," according to the surgeon (both of them). They were both happy with the results. All the margins looked good: they were able to get enough healthy tissue surrounding the tumor to safely say the tumor is removed. He was in surgery for 6 hours then in recovery for two hours. He's now resting in his room and should be released tomorrow.

He's been in SLC since last Wednesday for doctor appointments and tests and scans. I've been here in ID, holding down the fort. I opted to stay here because the girls started school last week and their first dance classes and piano classes started this week. I'm trying to keep things as normal for them as possible. D's parents are with him and we talk with each other every night, but everyone was more emotional last night. We'll be glad to get him home!

Thanks for all your thoughts and prayers. His doctor isn't sure yet if D will need more chemo. It will depend on the pathology. We should hear about that sometime next week.

I'm Doing It...

Nothing crazy, don't you worry :)
I came across this blog today, and whatdoyaknow? She's doing a Giveaway of My Memories digital scrapbook software!! Holy Crow!! Check out her blog for the giveaway and check out the MM link! Such cute templates AND great sales! I now have a new past time! Move over Pintrest! I've got to organize my photos!!

Thanks, guys!

Home Sweet...IKEA

I know this picture is dark, but I am again in love with my bedroom!
And, my family is well aware of my love for IKEA...I should have invested in their stock...do they have stock??
In all the places we've lived over the last 6 years, this room is the largest bedroom we've had to ourselves, and we have a King sized mattress! Oh, wait, the student apartment bedroom was large, too, but I didn't have these shears or these pillows!! :)
With the shape of the room, and our large bed, there was no other placement option of the bed than right in front of a wall of windows, the only long wall in the space. We've never had a headboard. It's just never been high on the priority list, but I've always had pillows. However, I've never actually bought a decorative pillow outside of the living room. Nope, I lied. I bought some fun pillows for the girls' beds last year. So, that was the first :) I guess I figured it was time for my bedroom...and when I saw them, I knew it was only a matter of time before I would have them, and then decorate my bedroom around them.
Another thing I've never had: nightstands, at least matching ones. Honestly, the ones I wanted, I can't really justify right now, but I was tired of not having anything. So I bought these because the price was right. I was skeptical on the color, but it was the only one available. Again, the price was right. And now? Oh, how I love them!! The perfect casual color, the perfect place for my lamps that I've waiting so long to be able to use (lamp shade here)...lamp sticks were bought at Wal-Mart over a year ago and have been in storage until now...
The shears are white and gauzy and flowing and huge! And YES they really are $4.99 for TWO panels!! They are long, too, and the package says you can cut to length but I didn't cut them because I likes how they gathered on the floor. I have 6 panels total, three on each side of the bed. The moment they were all on the rod and arranged, the room felt so much softer and cozier! Just makes me want to cozy up in my down comforter and down pillows with hot chocolate and a book!

Drawing Near...

The summer flew by. The kids were able to go on a few camping trips with D's family and I was able to join them at Cherry Hill, but my new job has taken up most of my time this summer. I didn't compromise on the Annual Redfish Lake pilgrimage, however...I DO have priorities.

Other than that, the family has been hanging at home, playing at the neighborhood playground, a few play dates up the street and of course, hours at Nannie's and Papa's (my parents).

The summer is coming to an end...I feel it...like seeing the last few pages of a good book and thinking, "No! It can't end yet! I want more story! I want more adventure! Don't end yet; I don't want to go back to doing dishes!" Oh, you don't have those feelings regarding books? Well, you haven't read a really good one then!

Yes, things are winding down. The kids are getting restless from a lack of structure (I can just tell it's eating them up). Ok, maybe it's just ME getting restless, but still. Yesterday, the temp outside wasn't a bazillion degrees so it got my system remembering that FALL is coming! Yeah!

I didn't plant a garden this year, not to insinuate I've done so in the past. Just sayin' there isn't a Fall Harvest to look forward to. I'm just looking forward to getting all of us on a routine. Not to worry: the ROUTINE will be age and developmentally appropriate. Just because I am a Recovering Perfectionist doesn't mean I have to give up on routines, I just 'scale it down' a bit... Is lamination of the Chore Chart too much? Nah...

School? What the...

I just found out a few days ago that school doesn't start where we live now until September 1st!! Holy crow...what's up with that! Idaho sure likes it's summer vactions...and I have to admit we enjoy the scenary...

On the OTHER hand, I HAVE AN ENTIRE EXTRA WEEK TO GET THE KIDS READY FOR SCHOOL! I used to feel rushed...now I feel like I can enjoy the next few weeks...we have an extra week to play! I have an extra week to find: a piano teacher, a tennis instructor, a preschool and a dance teacher...BUT, D and I already have anneversary reservations :)

Priorities are crucial ;)

29 July 2011

See the Cancer Update tab at top

Me vs You

Have you ever spent much time in a waiting room? I've been here a lot the last few weeks, and will have more time tomorrow as we meet another doctor. But right now, we're in the Radiation Oncology waiting room, overhearing two ladies comparing/contrasting/comforting each other about their loved ones' brain tumors. See? Things could always be worse...

So, as I'm sitting, contemplating, feeling sorry for myself and for D, I listen to this mother explain how she sometimes acted out her frustration, slamming her hand on a counter and bruising it. Her son is 25. The neurosurgeon removed an apple-sized brain tumor. Now he is getting radiation to his brain. The other woman, was there with her father. These two women went on comparing side effects. Then, the mother said, "Can you imagine working here? Being around all of this, every day? We at least get to leave...it takes a special person to do this."

Yes, everyone struggles with something. And gratefully there are people along our way to help us through. I have strengths, you have strengths. I believe we come into each others' lives to help each other through those times. Even including doctors and nurses. I've learned so much from working at the Huntsman Cancer Hospital. But, now I'm grateful to leave the teaching and comforting to them, and I'll worry about my little family.

But, hey, if you want something stitched up, come on over! I've got all kinds of fun stuff! :-)

See the Cancer Update page

To be continued...

"Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid." John 14:27
We should hopefully learn about the biopsy results Wednesday ... Thank you for all your thoughts and prayers. We feel them.

Looking Back

I'm sitting in a waiting room at the Huntsman Cancer Hospital in Salt Lake City, UT while D is having a bone scan. He was injected with a dye this morning, then we had to kill three hours, now he's having full-body X-rays to see if his tumor has spread anywhere else in his body. Ewing's Sarcoma is mostly a bone cancer, so if it spreads, typically it will end up in a bone, or the lungs.

While I'm sitting here, playing games on my iPad and doing online banking, a gentleman receives a call on his cell phone. He proceeds to explain to his caller, why he's waiting for his PET scan (a PET scan looks for cancer in other soft tissues and lymph nodes of the body -D had one of those too, a long time ago). He goes on to describe his chemo regimine for the next nine months...

And I rewind five years...memories flood back from the first days of D's pain, fearing the worst, hoping for the best...holding L, knowing she would be my last baby...working through the night while my children slept with D in his hospital room...laying in D's bed with him during my breaks...waiting in the many waiting rooms over the years, looking around and feeling very young...going to church alone...celebrating birthdays in the hospital...Father's Day in the hospital...rubbing his bald head...L tracing where his eyebrows should be and being confused why they weren't there...wondering why his temp always has to spike at 2am...

Then now...D loves his head shaved (so do I). He's gotten back a lot of muscle...he tires easily...he has a new liver disease...he is now insulin dependent...he sunburns freakishly easily...he has difficulty remembering things (more so than just Man Brain)...the kids love laying with him, watching movies

With the recent developments, I've wondered, Can we do this again? Well, I'm sure we can, anything is do-able...you just DO it...you wake up every day, breathe in and out, and before you know it, 5 years have passed.

I was lucky. I learned from my cancer patients, before D ever was diagnosed, what they would have done differently, looking back. So, I guess, we had a head start...Now it looks like we'll get a second chance, too...sigh...Ok, let's get going then.

Thank You

Thank you everyone for your thoughts, prayers and words! They are much appreciated. I'll let you know as soon an we know more info.

Speaking of Windows...

D had his 3 month check-up with his oncologist last week: blood work, MRI and CT scans. 
They found another tumor, same side. It's growing into the ear canal, might be into the bone. He will have a bone scan on Friday and will have it biopsied, too. He meets with his ENT surgeon and Radiologist next week....

Where is that window again??

Always a window...

I found out earlier this week that a friend from high school, a friend with whom much weekend and summer time was spent, passed away from unknown causes. She was a young, healthy woman and mother. My heart has been heavy, thinking of her and her little family.
Earlier this year, I found out that another friend from high school passed away after suffering a stroke. She also was young, otherwise healthy and a mother.

I have shed tears for both of them, well, for their families, and what they must be going through. What I am grateful for is knowing these two beautiful, strong women are again with a Heavenly Father who loves them very much. I am not sad for them. I do, however, not envy the struggles their children and families will face. But what also gives me comfort, in times like these, is believing that our loving Heavenly Father will not take something from us without giving us a way to cope, manage, grow, what ever you want to call it, a window.

I know because I've been there.
And I've loved both of these women.

"Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid." John 14:27

Feels good to be home

I had some time to myself last week. D took the kids with him to his father's family reunion in Springville UT from Thursday until Saturday. Just starting my new job last month, I couldn't get the time off. I didn't think it would be a big deal, but after I realized I wouldn't see any of them for 3 days, I was a bit melancholy. So, what do I do with all that time? I work late and put myself on call :) of course! Wouldn't you know, I didn't even get called in! Figures.

So, after working 55 hours that week, by Friday night, I was really tired, physically and mentally. I literally sat down in front of the tv and didn't move for 3 hours. Then I went to bed. But, wouldn't you know, I woke up bright eyed at 7:30 Saturday morning! :) Figures.

I organized the bills, payed them, then went grocery shopping. After that, I went to a few "antique" stores around town. My initial goal was to find something for the girls to play "tea" with. What I ended up with was quite the display! I found an entire service for 6 (cups, saucers, salad plates, dinner plates and gravy boat) with pears and apples on them! I've adopted a fruit theme in my kitchen so when I saw the price of $23 I really felt justified :) The next store I was able to find some mis-matched cups and saucers (and an adorable tiered server) for only a few dollars!

The fruit pitcher and the green bowls were added finds, along with the mini candle sticks. And, the best part? The girls loved them as much as I did!

I haven't had that much time to myself in a really long time. I missed them terribly, but I knew they were having a blast with their cousins (and they did!). And, when they came home, I felt rejuvenated. That, and a beautiful walk alone in the hills with the summer sun and my ipod, did my body good.

As the world turns...

So, my sister and I thoroughly enjoyed watching all the wedding festivities on Friday. Even gasped appropriately when we saw the Dutchess in her amazing bridal gown. So fun!!

It was a fun weekend, too. We visited the Open House of the new hospital where I will start working shortly. I usually avaoid crowds, but I really wanted to take the kids to this so I could show them the OR, where I'll be working, because they can't normally see where I work. There were lots of people, but there were activites all along the tour for the children, and things moved well. Plus, lots of food! :)

There's always family drama with us, but when I was getting ready for bed last night, I saw the news about Bin Laden and everything seems right with the world, at least for a few moments. I'm nervous about retaliation, but it feels like we have the upper hand for once. A huge thanks to our Service men and women and the hard work and sacrifices they've made for all of us. We can never repay you or your families. Thank you for my freedom.

The Wedding

You know, the one that has stopped the entire United Kingdom? And, let's be honest, some of our own plans. Yup, I will need a nap tomorrow late morning because I will be up before the sun even is to watch as much as I can! :-) Except I'll be eating rice cakes instead of crumpets or scones (stupid gluten intolerance)...but perhaps some peppermint tea for good measure

Easter and a smart child

So, I've toyed before with the idea of just telling the kids that I am Santa Clause and the Tooth Fairy and the Easter Bunny. I just hate all the hiding and lying and sneaking around. But I haven't because I don't want to kill the innocence and excitement. I figured they'll find out soon enough. And I was right. The girls and their cousins were at the table on Saturday eating lunch. I was in the kitchen cutting up fruit for them, listening. Sure enough, one of the older boys said, "You don't still believe in the Easter Bunny, do you?" I kept my back to them, waiting to hear how the rest of the conversation went. Eliza didn't say anything, probably not wanting to look like a "baby" in front of her older cousin (he can be a teaser).

I could have jumped in and stopped him, but I didn't. He quickly said, "It's just your parents." And I waited for the reaction, with my back to them, so I couldn't see her reaction. I didn't want her to see my face. The next thing I heard, they were running outside to play.

But it caught up with me later. I was helping the girls brush their teeth before bed. Lydia left the bathroom but Eliza stayed behind. I started brushing my teeth, Eliza asked, "Mom, are you really the Easter Bunny?" Yes, it's me and Dad. She just nodded her head, then I could see she was putting more puzzle pieces together..."Santa Clause...?" I nodded and smiled. She gave me a half-smile and I hugged her and asked her to not tell her sister. She agreed, then stopped. "Does this mean I don't get any more presents?" :) Always thinking.

So, the inevitable happened, and she seems ok with it, and I didn't have to be the one to kill the innocence. I was about her age when my brother told me about Santa Clause, and I turned
out OK. I still have a few more years before Lydia finds out...

Funny, isn't it?

I am typing this in Utah, of all places :) Yes, we did move up to Idaho one week ago. That was a very challenging two days (three, I guess!). I'm here though, killing some time, waiting to be called into work so I can have some insurance until the end of the month :)

Thursday, I was able to get off work early and D had already picked up the moving truck (the largest U-Haul makes), so we started loading the big stuff. Later that evening, D's parents came to help. Thankfully, D's Dad is a Master Packer!! Freaking amazing. We put stuff in the truck and he would use his Master Tetras skills to find a place for it. However, after carefully filling the truck just half way, we quickly realized we were not going to have enough room! And frustration started creeping up.

I had a schedule worked up in my brain, and by the end of Thursday, I was mentally crumpling it then trying to flatten it out again, over and over. We can do this...This is never gonna work...Deep breath...How will this work...I just wanna go to bed and wake up and have this all over!!

We slept on air mattresses Thursday night. Friday I still had Eliza go to school. I wanted her to be able to say good bye to her friends. They all knew that was her last day. And I'm glad she did, too. Her teacher had made a Memory Book for her and had everyone sign it and they gave it to her Friday :)

Friday started with just more packing. I had to finish packing the clothes and the bathrooms and wanted to be finished packing early in the afternoon so I could start cleaning. We had reserved a room at a close hotel that had a pool, and I had a date with the jacuzzi AND I WAS NOT GOING TO MISS IT!!

But, by that afternoon, the truck was packed and we still had half a garage of stuff that wasn't in it. Soooo, I said Screw it. We are going to the hotel, and we'll come back in the morning with a trailer to finish packing the rest. I'll just clean Saturday while the carpet guy is there.

So, we took the kids swimming and swam and relaxed and swam and relaxed and went back to the room like raisins. After we showered, the girls and I went to scope out the vending machine and we got some treats and watched TV until late. I honestly don't know what time it was when I turned off Disney :)

Needless to say, the night was NOT long enough. At least I woke up refreshed and we had breakfast at the hotel. I knew it would be a long day, but all day long, the ONE thing that pretty much kept me sane was the thought that, even after moving all this stuff and unpacking everything into the storage lockers (three, to be exact), I already had a bed waiting for me that I didn't have to unpack and make. It was just there.

And THAT, my dear friends, was a much needed blessing. Thanks, Mom. I'll cook dinner for a month, just for that.

Gimme a B...O...X

So, now that I want to get this thing going again, I've decided to move my family...yes, again...to Idaho! :) It's actually been months of thought and prayer and struggle. I hate moving. Scratch that. I loath packing. Let's admit, packing is the awful part!! Plus, since we have to be out of this place by the end of next week, we will be living with my parents for a few weeks until we find something suitable, so all of our things will be in storage. So, having things in the appropriate boxes is crucial! I hate that kind of pressure!! All this thinking about moving started back in December. Though I love the hugeness of this place, I don't really feel "home" here (here being house, neighborhood, city...). I can't describe it other than that. I just don't feel like we are where we need to be. That, and I really want to be closer to my family. So, we finally found someone who will take over our lease and we're heading north! I never thought I'd say I'm excited to move back to Pocatello...but I also said I'd never live in Utah county...so I'm gonna stop saying things I'd never do, because they all have come true (there are others, too, but I don't want to repeat them!!) :) I am excited to be closer to my family and some old and dear friends! See you on the flip side!

Thank you!!

Thanks for all the well-wishes...I think I'm done pouting now :) and I made a killer flowerless chocolate cake last night! Boo-yah! If I hadn't been so overcome with the whole aspect of still being able to eat a delicious chocolate cake/brownie, I would have taken a picture!

I made whipped cream (sweetened with powdered sugar) and sandwiched it between two pieces of the cake, with a dollop on top, then sprinkled with fresh raspberries...mmmmm.

I might just have to make it again so I can show you properly :)

Just have to laugh...before I start to cry

My whole life, I've been healthy, active, and except occasional knee pain, I have been able to be pretty active with sports, rock climbing, biking, hiking...in the past.

There was a point while on my mission where my body simply shut down. I got heat stroke one day and never seemed to recover. I saw a few doctors in Switzerland and they both told me I was just depressed and needed to take medication. I adamantly disagreed. I was frustrated with being tired, I couldn't do anything because I was so tired not because I didn't want to. I almost came home, but then I seemed to start getting back some energy, so I stayed. Thus began, I believe, my journey into the world of an autoimmune disease.

The years since then, some have been better than others, but I've been plagued with chronic fatigue, made worse with exercise. Yeah, that doesn't work well when you want to loose baby weight :) The last few years, other physical ailments have surfaced. I was telling my doctor a few weeks ago, My body is just falling apart! And seemingly random problems were presenting themselves, and we couldn't figure out why...because we were looking at them and dealing with them as individual problems (fatigue, achy joints, abdominal pain, numbness in hands/feet, stomach pain, vertigo, rashes...).

So, after about 6 months of stomach/abdominal pain, I go to the doc and he's trying to decided between gallstones or an ulcer. He's leaning toward an ulcer, so he wants me to have a scope done of my stomach. The scope doesn't show an ulcer, but there are lots of red areas on my small intestines so he biopsied them. Ok, so I need to wait for that, but once again, I have a problem that has no solution. Whatever. Now, I'm really getting frustrated, and probably depressed, because I know I'm not crazy! Something is not right with my body and modern medicine is not helping! (yes, I realize that statement can open a whole other conversation, but I'm not ready for that just yet).

So, when I woke up the other day with swollen and sore joints in my hands (my hands and feet feel like they're on fire!), I about lost it! Well, I kind of did. I called my Mom to vent and cry and she basically said, you may never get a diagnosis, but that doesn't mean nothing's wrong. You will just have to know that you have limitations and deal with one day at a time. Fine, but I'm still calling the doctor.

Turns out, the little biopsies the GI doc took, came back positive for Celiac disease, an autoimmune disease (thankyouverymuch to my European and Scandinavian heritage). All of my problems over the years have all been symptoms of this disease, vague by themselves but together, along with the biopsy, make for a pretty convincing diagnosis.

So, now, with this diagnosis, I'm overwhelmed and still in mourning for wheat (cream of wheat with brown sugar and toast is my most favorite breakfast ever!). I can't even just take medicine for it to go away. I have to alter my complete diet and make a drastic lifestyle change! And yes, allow me this selfish moment to say "have to." I'm mourning here, can't you see?? I'm sure I'll get to the "get to" stage eventually...Sigh...

Then, last night, as I'm wallowing in self-pitty, I had a lovely visit from one of my visiting teachers. She brought me...wait for it!...

A fresh from the oven loaf of homemade wheat bread :)

Yes, I chuckled, then, after she left I had a piece with butter...one more day wont kill me. I can't even think right now about my pantry full of gluten...oi vey!

My trip to Manti

What did I do with an entire Saturday all to myself? I loaded my fam in the car, sans working DVD player...youduv thought the girls were going to DIE without a movie to watch! "Oh the travesty!" were Eliza's actual words. I got a good laugh, but I think she was serious...

I packed snacks, coloring books, paper, activity books, crayons (2 packs!), and not even 10 minutes into our drive, they "had nothing to do!" The world is coming to an end. "How long is this drive?" Two hours. "TWO HOURS?? What am I supposed to doooo? No iPad, no DS...sigh" I guess you could just stare out the window...but there are lots of activities in that book that look like fun...your choice.

After a few minutes, I heard rustling in the bag, little mouths chomping apple slices, paper being colored on, and all was quiet except the music. Even D and I were content sitting with the silence. I thought it was funny, D drives a semi truck all week, then on his day off, I make him drive a few more hours. But he assured me he doesn't mind driving our SUV, something about being able to drive faster than 30mph up a hill and no shifting...at least he didn't fall asleep.

It was a beautiful spring day, warm enough to be without jackets. As we headed east from Nephi, the drive was a lot more scenic. Even the girls enjoyed looking at the hills and farms, looking at the old houses as we passed through small towns. We finally arrived in Manti and could see the top of the temple poking up above the trees. The old houses were adorable; Main Street had a Candy shoppe (where I spent $13.00 without batting an eye) and a good 'ole diner with homemade doughnuts and buns!! Mmmmm that was good!

The last time I was here was for the Mormon Miracle Pageant when I was 9, so I pretty much didn't remember anything. But this time, it was to be with my cousin to see her and her husband and baby girl be sealed as a family for eternity. Always a good time.

While we were in the temple (for two hours!) admiring all the pioneer craftsmanship, the girls were being entertained by another cousin. Apparently, they had loads of fun and were the center of the volunteer's attentions because our party was the only one there! After the session, we took pictures (my uncle took some really awesome ones!), went to the diner for some good eats, then headed home.

There was no complaining, no asking how long or what can I do. Each of them grabbed a blanket and stared out the windows at the landscape and the setting sun. Before long, they were both asleep. D and I enjoyed the quiet ride home, listening to a story-time radio show about an Irish singer.

And that was my day...did I learn anything? Aside from being in the temple with an amazing historian...maybe.

1: It doesn't matter how many activities or treats you pack, there will never be enough to do.
2: Old towns are amazing to visit, but I'm always glad to go home.
3: The local diner always has the best food.
4: Being active before a long drive helps everyone.
5: Family really is everything.

"We were on a BRAKE!!"

I had the TV on while I was straightening up the downstairs and working on the computer the other day. It was the episode of "Friends" where Rachel decides Ross is too overwhelming and she wants to take a break. It's an episode where it's so uncomfortable to watch because you know what happens at the end but you can't keep yourself from watching!

Like when Rachel is pining for Ross after he stormed out and she's tried to call him and he wasn't home. Then, Mark calls and comes over trying to "cheer up" Rachel. But you almost gasp when Rachel's phone rings because you know it's Ross and you KNOW he's going to hear Mark... (sigh)...and then he hangs up :( Oh man. Yeah that would be awful. Team Ross!!

But, as I was watching all that, know what I was noticing?? How differently all of that would have gone if they had cell phones. Ross called Rachel from a Pay Phone for goodness sake! Interesting...after Rachel had some time to calm down, she would have been able to get a hold of Ross and he would have run back to her before Mark even had a chance to call. But that doesn't make good TV ratings, apparently.

Heck, they might've done it all through texts!

Then again, maybe not. Have you ever sent a "wrong message" with a text? I'm not talking about spelling errors, but those are funny, too. I mean when you text a message and even with a "smiley face" at the end, the receiver still doesn't get the idea you were hoping for. It can even happen with emails!

So, with all this technology, we can still mess things up or get the wrong message. Lesson: Never trust to something else what you want from your relationship. We are relational beings and no amount of texts or smiley faces can make up for a real conversation or physical attention. Unless your husband is a long-haul truck driver... then every "smiley face" is a big deal :) And so are weekends!

Grab a drink and get comfy...

I was introduced to an article written in January from a friend's blog here (article she referenced is here). Both are great pieces. Please read them then come back to read the rest of my post. It will make more sense to you that way :)

Both the article and my friend's comments about the topic were so fascinating to read! They both really made me think...about blogging, about being a mother, about creativity, about loads of stuff. I loved how the author of the article was fascinated with reading about Mormon women and I loved how Stephanie's straight forward, tell-it-like-it-is style comes out. No criticism, just truth. Loved it, Steph and I don't think I told you that. Nice job.

Anyway, after I read both of those pieces, and did some soul thinking, I moved on with the rest of whatever it was that I was doing that day. So, basically, I did nothing with it. I wasn't doing anything with my blog at that time and just had no interest or energy to do anything. I didn't know what, at the time, that I wanted to do with it, but whatever it would have been, I didn't do it.

Then, today, I was going through my blog list and came across this post from MMB: here. You'll want to read that one, too. It basically follows up on the other ones. Fun stuff!

After reading the article Stephanie references, my thoughts were something like, "Wow, that's fun, that some random person is 'blog stocking' total strangers (who hasn't done that)? And, she really finds the difference in lifestyle interesting? There's no mocking, no teasing; she has genuine admiration for these women who seemingly have lovely homes and children and are willing to talk about the frustrations of each but stay so positive while doing it."

Yes, I've gone to random people's blogs, just reading what they have to say for a time, moving on to others, staying with some. But I loved when MMB said this when referencing why MMBs are different: "We choose to focus on the positive. We choose to take even the worst of days, and learn something from it." And that was exactly the way I felt after reading the first article, but couldn't figure out how to express it!

Yes, life sucks sometimes, but because of what I have learned for myself, what I want to believe, I have learned that there is always something to learn! That's one of the largest purposed of being here and living! And that keeps me hopeful. Even if I have to use medication sometimes :) I know I don't have to be perfect. That also has been a long lesson...

But it sure is fun to read about :)

My Dancers and another Lesson

Last time we went to Poky, my Dad signed the girls up for a Dance Clinic with the university's Bangle Dancers. They had a 3 hour dance class (with treats!! I think they were more excited about the Go-gurts...). Then, that night, with their cute t-shirts, we all went to the women's basketball game so we could watch the girls dance during Half-time!

Thanks, Dad! They loved it!

Belle is a natural performer :) Lydia is at the age where dancing around is still fun but she's still a little shy. Good thing she had Belle to watch and dance with!! Eliza, on the other hand, had some reservations at first, and is at a vulnerable age where other people's opinions are almost everything. She actually didn't want to go to the clinic. I forced her to go, trying to be positive, but it was one of those moments where, as a parent, you know that it will be good for her.

Then, after we dropped them off and were leaving, I was looking through a window at her, wondering if I did the right thing, worrying that if she really didn't like being with all those other kids...watching all the dancing girls and seeing my daughter move awkwardly and self-consciously...thinking "Is this really best for her, forcing her?"

I started to tear up (I know, I know) but decided to leave, knowing that dancing with a bunch of girls, while potentially dangerous (c'mon, we all know how little girls can be hurtful at times when someone doesn't fit in), I figured it would be something I could help her recover from. And, if it was disastrous, I wouldn't make her do the program that night.

There. Dilemma solved.

So, Teresa and I had fun doing my hair :) Then, we went to pick up the girls and go out to lunch. Much to my enjoyment, they couldn't stop talking about the dancing and the teachers! Yeah them! Yeah me! Okay, sometimes I do know what I'm doing with my children. Sometimes I yell, sometimes I let them watch too much TV, sometimes we have cold cereal for dinner, and then sometimes I lovingly make my children do something out of their comfort zone, knowing they will be stronger for it.

That night, at the game, our girls saw some of the Bangle Dancers walking around and they'd call out "There's my teacher! Mom, there's my teacher!" All three of them were actually excited to start their program. If Eliza was nervous, she didn't show it. Then, she was dancing with a smile :) and that made me smile (and cry, but you all knew that).

Catching Up

So, what have YOU been up to these last few months? All interesting stuff, I'm sure. Christmas was fun, of course. And the New Year has, so far, brought so much change already!

Now, honestly, I love change. I embrace it. I really hate doing the same thing all the time. Sometimes, I get really crazy and change my laundry day...yeah. Crazy is my middle name. Seriously though, I really like to mix things up, and I've been feeling like that lately, like something needs to change...something's not quite right. I don't feel like I'm 'home' if that makes sense.

So, we're still renting, and I wanted to move here to a) get out of that tiny 2 bedroom place and b) enjoy more space :) As great as this place is, I still don't feel like we as a family are where we need to be. And, as much as I love change, I loath moving. Why do I keep doing it, you ask? Good question. And don't think I'm not thinking about the kids. It will just give them more to talk about with their therapist.

D and I have some planning in the works and he has a job interview shortly, so that will determine where we will go next. Either way, maybe the kids can learn to find adventure in things. And hopefully we can stay there a long time...

Leaving can be theraputic...

...so can Returning.
Life kind of got away from me for a while, and I kind of just shut down. Well, not completely shut down, but I was on 'survivor mode' and am still working on crawling out of that.
Don't worry, everyone is safe. I have just, once again, spread myself too thin. And the blog was the first to fall by the wayside :) The next thing on the chopping block... probably Girl Scouts, as fun as it is...
I'm not gonna bore you with details about how my huge house is too overwhelming (even though I love retreating to the basement with a plate of nachos and watching my dvr programs) or how I was wedged into being the full time Girl Scout Troop Leader or that sometimes the clean laundry sits in baskets in the girls' bedroom for days before we get it put away. Yeah, I'm not gonna make you read all that stuff.
But, I do want to share something, even if I'm the only one that needs to read it (but I doubt it).
Guilt is not something to hold on to. It is supposed to be felt, dealt with and let go.
There. Done. Moving on.
Speaking of moving on...Wow, I have so much to tell you, my precious Blog! We've missed so much time together, but really, nothing on the outside is new. And yet, so much of me is new!! I can't wait to get it all out! It's gonna take some time, though, because I've realized that I can't do everything right now, today. Even now I'm multi-tasking at work :) hehehe as the laundry still sits at home, unfolded...but I'm okay with that for now because the girls will help me do it tomorrow.

The best "it" word ever!

Eliza: Mom, if you had a word like "uck" but you put an F with it...(her voice trails off)
Me: Yes...?
Eliza: Well, what does that mean?

So she and I are having a much too adult conversation about rude words and a very very simplistic definition of the "f-word" and why it's inappropriate to never ever use it.

Me: So that is the rudest word you could ever say.
Eliza: Well, the "G" word is the worst, or the "it" word is really bad. I don't ever want to say that word!
And as she walks out of the room, I hear Lydia say "it..." and saw the confused look on her face!

A memorable parenting moment followed by...a memorable moment :) Priceless

A New World

Hello World. My name is Rachel and I am a recovering Perfectionist.

Phew! Wow, what a weight off my shoulders!! It's actually because of that statement that I am writing today. More on this change to come later :)