For a few uncomplicated reasons, I found myself in the OB/GYN clinic yesterday, trying to get a bladder infection issue under control. I left three hours later trying to hold back tears after breaking down in front of my OB doctor (at least my OB is female).
I'm pretty positive none of you are interested in my bladder and it's functionings, but for the purpose of the emotional picture, bare with me.
After ruling out bacteria in my bladder (none), the doc ran other tests for bacteria/yeast in other places, all of which were negative. When she pushed on my bladder, there was no discomfort (other than feeling like I was going to pee all over her, but I guess that's normal when someone pushes on your bladder), but when she pushed on my uterus it was quite uncomfortable -- squirm-on-the-table uncomfortable. One could imagine the millions of options running through my head!! She was very reassuring, but I still found myself crying! An emotional breakdown, right there, in the tiny pastel room! Ugh!
We talked about options, what tests to run, but like I said, she was very reassuring. The last test run? A pregnancy test. The longest 5 minutes of my known life.
D and I have verbally agreed that we probably won't have any more children; I don't know how many times I've told myself this over and over. At times I'm okay with it; other times my heart aches. Plus, I've refrained from buying more pregnancy tests, but there I sat, waiting for the test result...
...trying to put it out of my head while i read my book, trying not to hope against hope, trying to plan for the bad news yet secretly dieing for the good news. The doc poked her head in, told me what I already knew and we planned for a follow-up ultrasound if I don't start feeling better. I quickly left the clinic and tried to deep-breathe once I was outside. It was then that I realized that suppressing emotions isn't a great idea. They pop up when you can least control them, then it's just embarrassing!
Gotta work on that...
1 comment:
I can't tell you how many times I have broke down crying in my OB's office. Everything dealing with female reproduction can be so sensitive, there are lots of emotions, for so many different reasons. Don't feel too bad about the tears, sometimes they need to come and release emotion. Plus, your OB has probably seen it 1,000 times.
For what it is worth, I really hope you feel better soon.
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