Back to Reality

Enjoying summer vacation is interesting, now that I technically no longer have a summer vacation. :) I'm a grown-up with a grown-up job. If I want to have a spring break, I have to use 'vacation time'. Instead of just making up missed assignments when I don't "feel well" I have to use 'sick time' (sick time is relative to me).

Anyway, back to reality, right? Literally hours before leaving for our last summer get-away mid-August, we found out that E's biological father was killed in a car accident the night before; thrown from the vehicle, died at the scene, killed (I'll spare the other details).

Just like that...gone, and he really hasn't been a part of her life the last few years, except for the occasional birthday/Christmas card, but I was literally shocked at the sense of loss I felt in those first few moments. For the first few years of E's life, he was a part of mine. More pain than joy, as I watched him struggle with addictions and frustrations of being torn by those addictions. That chapter of my life really opened my eyes to the devastation addiction has on a person. It doesn't let go, and if you don't let it go, it will never leave. And I couldn't make any of that better or make it go away.

At least that was his plight, because of his choices, bless his stubborn heart.

On the other hand, he was the most caring father and person you would ever meet. He would give anyone the shirt off his back to help anyone else out. He would always carry E everywhere because he loved holding her. He would play with her and her toys on the floor for hours. He almost enjoyed the toys as much as she did. He also let her do whatever she wanted. :) Sometimes Mom would have to reign them both in.

So, back to that morning, I'm thinking to myself, "What do I do?" Do I tell her now, moments before we are to leave on a fun-filled, much-anticipated week? Or do I wait until I know when the funeral is? Or do we go to the funeral at all? I guess those were my options. Of course I would take her to the funeral. She's old enough to know about death and I know she would need the closure. But, I decided to wait to tell her. Probably because I didn't know what to say or even how to act. We haven't seen him in a long time and D adopted her last summer; things were a bit awkward. Plus, he had remarried, had 5 step kids and another child. E has another half-sister. So, I waited.

We found out the funeral wouldn't be until the following Monday, so I figured we'd enjoy our week then I'd talk with her after we get home Sunday. We stopped at the Mall on our way home to pick up some simple outfits because we obviously hadn't packed any clothes fitting for a funeral. She was excited to get a new dress, but I didn't tell her why. I totally chickened out, but I didn't want to talk to her about it then, in the Mall. Sheesh. We went back to my parent's house, and I wanted to go see his Mom and talk with her before the viewing the next day. So, I took E to get some ice cream. Then, while we were eating our ice cream, I just came out and said, "Sweety, Justin was in a car accident a few days ago and he died." She got it right away and started quietly crying. Wanna know the first thing she asked me? "When did this happen?" A few days ago. "Why didn't you tell me sooner?" I don't know, I told her. I didn't know what to say or how to say it. I'm sorry. I just held her for a few minutes until she asked, "Is that why I got a new dress?" Sheesh, nothing gets past her.

By the time the funeral was over, I realized I should have told her when the rest of us found out. I should have let her have those moments to grieve. We could have grieved together. She would still have had a fun, great week. She was fine. We talked about heaven and resurrecting and Heavenly Father and she was completely okay with it. By trying to protect her, I only prolonged the pain, even for me. And I'm usually a 'get-it-done-and-over-with' kind of person. But she's moved on and is healthfully playing and bickering with her siblings and life is back to our state of normal. But Southeast ID will always hold all kinds of memories...