Back to Reality

Enjoying summer vacation is interesting, now that I technically no longer have a summer vacation. :) I'm a grown-up with a grown-up job. If I want to have a spring break, I have to use 'vacation time'. Instead of just making up missed assignments when I don't "feel well" I have to use 'sick time' (sick time is relative to me).

Anyway, back to reality, right? Literally hours before leaving for our last summer get-away mid-August, we found out that E's biological father was killed in a car accident the night before; thrown from the vehicle, died at the scene, killed (I'll spare the other details).

Just like that...gone, and he really hasn't been a part of her life the last few years, except for the occasional birthday/Christmas card, but I was literally shocked at the sense of loss I felt in those first few moments. For the first few years of E's life, he was a part of mine. More pain than joy, as I watched him struggle with addictions and frustrations of being torn by those addictions. That chapter of my life really opened my eyes to the devastation addiction has on a person. It doesn't let go, and if you don't let it go, it will never leave. And I couldn't make any of that better or make it go away.

At least that was his plight, because of his choices, bless his stubborn heart.

On the other hand, he was the most caring father and person you would ever meet. He would give anyone the shirt off his back to help anyone else out. He would always carry E everywhere because he loved holding her. He would play with her and her toys on the floor for hours. He almost enjoyed the toys as much as she did. He also let her do whatever she wanted. :) Sometimes Mom would have to reign them both in.

So, back to that morning, I'm thinking to myself, "What do I do?" Do I tell her now, moments before we are to leave on a fun-filled, much-anticipated week? Or do I wait until I know when the funeral is? Or do we go to the funeral at all? I guess those were my options. Of course I would take her to the funeral. She's old enough to know about death and I know she would need the closure. But, I decided to wait to tell her. Probably because I didn't know what to say or even how to act. We haven't seen him in a long time and D adopted her last summer; things were a bit awkward. Plus, he had remarried, had 5 step kids and another child. E has another half-sister. So, I waited.

We found out the funeral wouldn't be until the following Monday, so I figured we'd enjoy our week then I'd talk with her after we get home Sunday. We stopped at the Mall on our way home to pick up some simple outfits because we obviously hadn't packed any clothes fitting for a funeral. She was excited to get a new dress, but I didn't tell her why. I totally chickened out, but I didn't want to talk to her about it then, in the Mall. Sheesh. We went back to my parent's house, and I wanted to go see his Mom and talk with her before the viewing the next day. So, I took E to get some ice cream. Then, while we were eating our ice cream, I just came out and said, "Sweety, Justin was in a car accident a few days ago and he died." She got it right away and started quietly crying. Wanna know the first thing she asked me? "When did this happen?" A few days ago. "Why didn't you tell me sooner?" I don't know, I told her. I didn't know what to say or how to say it. I'm sorry. I just held her for a few minutes until she asked, "Is that why I got a new dress?" Sheesh, nothing gets past her.

By the time the funeral was over, I realized I should have told her when the rest of us found out. I should have let her have those moments to grieve. We could have grieved together. She would still have had a fun, great week. She was fine. We talked about heaven and resurrecting and Heavenly Father and she was completely okay with it. By trying to protect her, I only prolonged the pain, even for me. And I'm usually a 'get-it-done-and-over-with' kind of person. But she's moved on and is healthfully playing and bickering with her siblings and life is back to our state of normal. But Southeast ID will always hold all kinds of memories...

How Time Flies...

...and we continuously grow older, day by day. Then on the occasion we can look back and remember beautiful memories that become sweeter with time...and age. Growing up, my favorite part of Christmas? Going to Victor, ID to help my Nannie (mother's mother) set up her Christmas decorations. Her husband would have a freshly cut tree waiting for us (and a day full of grumbles) but we'd sing songs and decorate every part of that tiny house. Nannie knew exactly where every piece went and every year Mom and her sisters would have a "better" idea, but Nannie always won in the end. :) I spent more time trying to find candy Nannie kept stashed through the house. It was always a fun day 'with the girls.'

I haven't been to Victor in years. Nannie and George moved to Utah a few years ago to be closer to family and doctors due to their ailing health. Daryl came with me to Victor this time, as did both of my daughters. The weather was supposed to be stormy, but I didn't want to go to Victor by any other way than Teton Pass, through Swan Valley. It's a beautiful drive. As we went through the winding road (literally singing 'Over the Rive and Through the Woods') the trees and ground were dusted with snow and the clouds were low over the Tetons. I wished it would have been a clear day so I could show my girls the beautiful mountains I grew up with, but this day would have different memories. So many happy memories from long ago, yet this time would end with somber ones. The one time the sun did peak through the clouds that day...my cousin was singing a beautiful song about an Angel to Watch over Me.

The service was long for the young ones, but I enjoyed listing to the stories my mother and aunts told about their mother. She was so loving and accepting and beautiful and never can I remember hearing her complain. She always had something positive to say. She loved to learn. She loved being a nurse and I loved hearing her stories. She was my inspiration. My only regret...not making more of an effort to get her to my Nursing School Graduation. She was sick then and wanted to be there, but getting her to Idaho was complicated. I should have figured out a way. She called me the night before to say how proud she was of me for doing that and cried as she told me how she wished she could be there. (sigh) She also loved life and her family, her whole huge crazy family. She hated missing a party.

I could go on for pages, but being with her those last days, she taught us all how to just LIVE life. Do what you can with what you have. No excuses, no regrets. Just Live and Enjoy and Love. I'll miss you, Nannie, but like Eliza said, "Why is everyone crying? She's happy now. She's with Jesus and Heavenly Father. Gosh, I'd be happy if I were there." I held her very close and she touched Nannie's still-warm hand and gave her flowers to hold.