The noise, the NOISE, all the Noise, NoisE, NoiSE, NOISE

After school yesterday, the girls and I went up to visit Daddy in the hospital. I was going to take another piece of his birthday cake before we ate it all, but I forgot it!! Don't worry, it's still set aside :)

Me, being the awesome Mom that I am, stopped at the gas station to get a drink and told them they could get a treat. Yeah, didn't really think that through. After dinner with D, we were back in his room and I thought it would be nice to watch something family-friendly together (ie: American Idol) -- come on! It's not like we're watching Family Guy or the Simpson's! -- and about the second song, I realize I can't hear myself think! Between the 3yo not having a nap and being allowed an extra 3 days worth of sugar and the 7yo wanting to sing me every song from the latest Barbie movie, there is nothing about this "family watching" that is restful. So, we said good night to Daddy, who was tired and ready for bed anyway, and started home.

I knew it would happen, too. Before we got to I-15, they were both fast asleep, after a brief fight over the phone book as a pillow. I enjoyed a quiet, NPR-filled, even-traffic-flowing ride home. After a quick teeth-brushing session, we all collapsed on the girls' bed. They wanted me to lay with them, which didn't take much coaxing. I felt like one of 3 bugs under a rug, and once the kicking stopped, we were all fast asleep.

Well, they were. I had too much on my mind: the laundry sitting in the dryer, wanting to finish Idol from my dvr, the sewing project I started earlier that day, grocery lists, wanting to go to bed early because I had to get up early for work, but still had to get my day ready for tomorrow... (sigh) I just stayed there... my arm draped over both of them, the baby nestled up against me holding my other hand, the older one still sleeping with my teddy bear the kids call Teddy...and fell asleep listening to the music.

Muchas Gracias Monday

Today is my husband's 35th birthday. His parent's adopted him and picked him up from the hospital when he was 3 days old. I'm sure for those three days there was plenty of love from the nursery nurses to keep him occupied until his parents and older sister got to him.

But today is a very different birthday. Unfortunately, he still ages a year, but also, he has to spend it here...

We just finished lunch at the Bistro; now he's content to be watching the construction mayhem from his large window. He loves this room because it has the view of the construction. So, for this week, that is our "Muchas Gracias Monday" post, that even though he has to spend his birthday in the hospital receiving IV antibiotics, at least he can spend the time watching the construction.

Mix It Up

D and I were able to spend some time together Friday and Saturday. My mother took the kids with her to ID for the weekend and, because I have to work Saturday morning, I followed later that evening. So, I was able to spend all of my off-work time from Thursday night until Saturday with D. He just sleeps and I watch TV, with the occational walk, but I love when his head is on my lap and I can rub his scalp. His hair is at the velvety texture length...mmmmm. He likes it too. After I got off work Friday afternoon, I went to his room, got him out of bed and we walked around the halls. A snow storm was moving away from the valley and the view from the patio was amazing. I'll post pics later. He'll be done with chemo later today so I'll take him home tonight.

Despite the fact that the country is up in arms today (go to your favorite news site/channel to follow the Health Care Bill fall-out; I don't want to get into it here), I've officially made a decision; well, a few actually. I've decided I will not be returning to school this fall to pursue a Pharmacy degree. Instead, I've started the enrollment process for E into a homeschooling program. This is in the event that she doesn't get into a certain charter school by fall. (Deep breath) I will potentially be homeschooling her to her fullest potential, which is the ultimate goal :) Bless my heart...

Another Care of a Cancer Patient

Thank you so much for all of the kind words of support. I truly believe that there is nothing in life that needs to be traveled alone and without support. My family is a huge support and now I have even more friends who are willing to give unconstrained support. Thank you from the bottom of my heart :)

On Sunday, I looked over at D and noticed he had shaved his goatee (?). That is a huge step; he's had that portion of facial hair since 1996 or something. Well, he shaved it off, because I asked him to, for our engagement pictures. Then, I was more than willing to have him grow it back. It just suits him and his stature. Also, I must say I prefer him bald, too. He finally shaved his head before his first surgery in January 2007 and has kept it shaved ever since. I just wish rubbing his bald head gave us more luck...maybe I should start rubbing the tummy AND head at the same time!

Anyway, my point :) I swear it's coming; I do have one.
I know exactly why he cut it...it was falling out. Seeing it gone made me stop, think, breathe. Real. Hair. Loss. You guys think I have it bad, but D internalizes everything to try to lessen my burden he said once. For him and anyone else struggling with something so internal, this is an experience something anyone will never truly understand unless it's lived. I worked as a nurse with cancer patients before I switched to the OR, so I have an idea, but it's not something I live with daily.

My heart aches for him.

Cancer cannot steal hope, as long as you don't let it.

Oh, The Foolishness of Man (in this case Woman)

Warning: It's long. Get comfortable.

It's been a long week...well, a long few months...aww heck! It's been a freakin' roller coaster! :)

And sometimes, I have to admit that I can't do everything, all by myself...and I hate that. I hate feeling inadequate. I loathe the thought of asking for help or admitting that I need it. That is just part of my personality. I don't really consider it a flaw, because it has kept me pretty self motivated and self reliant, both of which have served me well in my life.

And then, about 7 years ago, I hit a wall. Well, it was more of a wake-up, "How did I end up like this?" Looking back, post-partum depression was probably the instigator, but I was so used to simply "making things work" that I didn't take time to see the signs. That, and my then-husband going in and out of jail, drugs, and excessive drinking weren't helping my stress levels.

I had just started back to school after E was born and was in the Nursing Program. I don't remember now how it came to me, but somehow I recognized that I was not feeling normal, happy, content, functional. I made an appointment at the Student Health Clinic and through tears, told the provider that I thought I needed an anti-depressant. I completely broke down, sobbing, and saying how much of a failure I felt by asking for medication, but I didn't know what else to do. He asked for details of my life at the time and the past year, which I gave him. And I can only think what must have been going through his head, but he did (very professionally) explain the mechanisms of our brains and bodies and that, with stress, chemicals we need to function can sometimes be thrown "out of whack." After that explanation, and having someone else reiterate to me my life stresses, especially after having a baby, I was able to see the logic. And, after a few months, I was able to realize the stress coping mechanisms were so much more effective with the extra neurotransmitters :)

After a year, I was able to taper myself of my medication. Life was good. I was close to graduating with my Bachelor's in Nursing, looking at starting a new career. I also had the responsibility of being a single mom of the most adorable toddler. I love change. I love starting new journeys. I was excited to start our new life...somewhere. Then I met D, to which was added a whole new dimension to our lives. Long story short, we were married and moved to SLC, he was starting school and I started working to get him through school. A year later, we added another beautiful baby to our mixed family. I was more aware of the threats of PPD this time and had talked with my OB. We planned and prepared, but being prepared helped me to know what to expect. And, somehow, I found the coping skills I needed. PPD found no place that time.

And then...life. D's first tumor surgery, waiting 3 months for a diagnosis, D's second surgery to remove metastatic lymph nodes and muscle, starting chemotherapy. Oh, yeah, and I started working full time again, night shift of course. By summer time, I realized I was again in a state of fog. I wanted to be Super Mom and Super Wife and Super Nurse and Super...just superwoman. What's wrong with that?

Oh, right. That's not physiologically possible.

Shucks. So, what did I do? I put off going to my doctor. Why, you ask? Cuz I have a little voice in my head that tells me I need to be perfect and that I don't need to burden anyone else. I waited a year too long, but eventually admitted I needed help.

Why am I writing all this? Mostly for myself, so I can visually see my progress, recession, and progress again. Also, maybe someone else needs to hear that it's okay to not be perfect. I recently, unintentionally, stopped my medication. I ran out, forgot to get the refill, kept forgetting to pick it up. Honestly, it was unintentional. Then, after a few days, I was feeling fine so I figured I'd try going a little longer and see how I did. Maybe I'll be okay.
Yeah, no.
Yesterday I was back into a fog. I broke down. It wasn't pretty. I promised myself I would pick up my medication today. Then I start all over.

I'm not perfect. I am a working mother and family bread-winner. My husband has Cancer. My children are young and vulnerable, yet amazingly resilient. I'm tired and the sight of laundry gives me a head ache. And, even though I'd like to be, I know I'm not Super Woman, nor am I expected to be. So, as much as I don't like the idea of succumbing to my weaknesses, I will accept the help of this little pill. I want to be a positive influence for my family, and if this will help, I will accept. And I can't wait to go home, hug my babies and read a bed-time story!