24 July 2016

Life is not fair, so stop asking.

I read a post from a dear friend today about how this time last year, her husband was fighting for his life. She was so afraid she was going to loose him, and how the doctors were amazed that he lived through the ordeal. I love her and her family, and so I was trying in my head to be supportive of the fact that her husband is doing well and they are thriving as a family. Then I started reading the comments. I should not have done that. One person said how that experience was the perfect example of the power of prayer and fasting...
And I lost it. If I had had something to throw, I would have. I have a hard time reading about or seeing people who's stories go on because of recovery where mine and Daryl's story had to end. And statements like that totally innocent and supportive comment make me feel like our prayers and our fasting weren't good enough, as though we weren't doing enough, or living well enough, or that we didn't have enough faith. Even now, three years later, I'm still alone, struggling to raise and support a family all on my own, not to mention the effect it has had on the girls. Is it because I don't have enough faith? Or that my prayers don't work? Or that I don't deserve a companion or that I didn't deserve a miracle?
I really am glad, really, that her prayers were answered the way she wanted. I'd never wish the loss of a loved one on anybody. I just don't understand why it had to be me, why we didn't get a miracle, why I have to do this all alone...
I'll probably never know, so I should stop asking. It never makes me feel better.
I do know, and you should remember too, to be grateful for what you have. And hold your spouse close. And get dressed up for date night. And make him breakfast. And offer to help him with the drywall or fixing the kitchen sink. Or ask him to help you fix the sink :) Then put his laundry away, even if he leaves it on the really is just the little things. Don't forget the little things.

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